Dealing with Anger, Part 3: Better Boundaries
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
Anger often feels uncontrollable when it stems from deeper issues, particularly when we feel our values have been violated. As discussed in previous articles, taking conscious ownership of your anger, and learning what your anger might have to teach you, can reveal valuable insights into what truly matters to you. When your anger signals a boundary has been crossed, it points to your values being disregarded.
Our boundaries are directly tied to these values. When someone crosses a boundary, it often means they’re disrespecting something you hold important—whether it’s fairness, respect, or autonomy. Without clear boundaries, anger builds because you’re tolerating behaviors that conflict with your core beliefs.
How Values and Boundaries Connect
Boundaries are a reflection of what we value. If you value respect, your boundary might involve refusing to tolerate belittling comments from others. If you value autonomy, it could mean limiting tasks at work that fall outside your role. Anger often flares when these boundaries are unclear or unenforced, leaving you feeling powerless.
For example, I used to be quite irritable in the morning when tired and making breakfast for the kids, who were bouncing through the kitchen, demanding my attention. I was exhausted, tripping over them, and feeling like I had to multitask. This frustration came from feeling that my need for peace and focus was being ignored. After recognizing this, I set a boundary: the kids either had to wait outside the kitchen or sit at the table while I cooked. This allowed me to relax, focus on a single task, and wake up properly. I was less irritable, and everyone was happier.
Powerlessness and Anger
When you don’t set or enforce boundaries, it can create a sense of powerlessness. Repeated violations of your boundaries make you feel as though you have no control over your situation. This fuels anger, leading to explosive reactions that feel uncontrollable.
In relationships, failing to communicate when your boundaries are crossed leads to similar resentment. The anger that arises isn’t just about one instance but about months of feeling disrespected. Without clear boundaries, small frustrations accumulate, causing disproportionate anger when they finally boil over.
Reclaiming Control Through Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries gives you control over how others treat you and ensures your values are respected. Instead of feeling powerless, you take responsibility for your emotional well-being by actively communicating your needs. By doing this, you move from being reactive to being proactive, addressing issues early on before they escalate into uncontrollable anger.
Ultimately, better boundaries are about taking ownership of what matters to you and refusing to allow others to violate those values. When you set and enforce these boundaries, you reclaim your power and manage your anger in healthier, more constructive ways.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
