Just Us Guys: The Unique Potential of Therapy Between Men
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
When men receive counseling from male therapists, something uniquely valuable can happen. There’s potential for a deep connection, grounded in a shared understanding of what it means to navigate the contradictions and pressures around masculinity. While not every male therapist may fully grasp this dynamic, and many female therapists are quite effective at working with both men and women, therapy between men often taps into a profound recognition of male experiences. It creates a space where vulnerability, validation, and accountability coexist, more free from the fear of judgment or the need to explain oneself.
The Loss of Male-Only Spaces
Historically, men had spaces to connect, learn, and work through challenges without having to constantly adjust to societal expectations around gender. While these spaces weren’t perfect, they allowed men to explore and express their identity more fully. With the modern push for inclusivity, many of these male-only spaces have faded, contributing to a sense of disconnection. Many men today find themselves unsure of how to develop or express their authentic masculinity.
(Related article: Men need to stop apologizing)
Therapy between men isn’t a direct replacement for those old spaces, but it offers a rare opportunity to restore connection and a sense of male identity.
Why Therapy Between Men Can Be Special
Shared Experience
When men work with male therapists, there’s often an unspoken understanding of what it’s like to grow up male in a world that doesn’t offer a positive definition of masculinity. This reduces the need for explanation or defense, allowing men to focus on growth. This shared experience creates a language unique to men, leading to a sense of ease and recognition that might not come as naturally with a female therapist.
The Balance of Validation and Accountability
Men often respond well to a balance of validation and accountability. In teams of warriors, hunters, or athletes, the attitude among members is often something like: "I’ve got your back unconditionally because you’re my brother… and I expect you to do your best."
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While therapy places more emphasis on acceptance than these situations—since hunters and warriors depend on each other for survival—the flavor of accountability found in male-to-male interactions seeps into therapy between men. This type of accountability can be particularly helpful in motivating men to do the work needed to achieve their goals.
Therapy between men provides an environment where men feel heard and supported, but also challenged to take responsibility for their actions. It’s a balance that fosters growth without coddling or harsh criticism.
Openness to Women’s Perspectives
As men become more grounded in their own identity and experiences, they often become more open to perspectives that differ from theirs, especially those of women. Therapy between men can help build this internal confidence, making it easier for men to relate to others with empathy and curiosity.
Navigating Society’s Double Binds
Modern society imposes deep contradictions—often called double binds—on men. Anthropologist Gregory Bateson first explored the concept of the double bind in the 1950s while investigating the psychological effects of situations where people feel “damned if they do, damned if they don’t.” A double bind occurs when: (1) a person is told by an authority figure they must act in a certain way or face punishment; (2) they are also told they’ll face punishment if they act in that way; and (3) they face negative consequences if they try to address the contradiction directly.
These situations create confusion and can lead to learned helplessness—an inability to act because no choice seems to lead to a positive outcome.
For men, society presents several double binds around masculinity:
The Double Bind of Vulnerability: Men are told to be more vulnerable, yet often face judgment or rejection when they are. Encouraged to open up, they’re also penalized when they do.
The Double Bind of Leadership: Men are expected to take charge in relationships but are also told to defer in key moments, especially to women. This leads to confusion about when to lead without overstepping.
The Double Bind of ‘Family First’: Men are criticized for not being present enough with their families but are also punished when they don’t work long hours to provide financially.
Even if not everyone imposes these standards, many men perceive them and feel trapped, believing they will be punished no matter what they do. This creates stress and anxiety around how to act.
Therapists who can relate to these double binds—especially male therapists who have wrestled with the same pressures—can offer men a safe space to address these contradictions. While any competent therapist, male or female, would avoid punishing a client for sharing their perception, men are more likely to feel comfortable exploring these binds with someone who has experienced similar struggles.
The Real Impact of Male-to-Male Therapy
Therapy between men offers more than just a safe space to talk—it offers an opportunity to face difficult truths, find solutions, and build a stronger sense of self. With a shared understanding of the pressures and contradictions men face, a male therapist can guide men toward recognizing the patterns that keep them stuck. This is not about being coddled, but about receiving the kind of direct, honest feedback that men often respect, combined with the empathy needed to grow. The result? Men can navigate society's conflicting demands without feeling trapped or confused, regaining control of their choices and living in a way that feels authentically their own.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
