Owning your Anger: A Path to Freedom, Not Suppression
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
This is the first in a series on dealing well with anger. In this installment, we’ll explore how to manage anger without suppressing it, focusing on creating a sense of peace through conscious ownership of the experience.
Many people are told to "calm down" when anger flares up, but for some, calming down isn't even a temporary fix. When you try to fight your anger, it often wins. The more you push against it, the stronger it can feel. For many men, anger is tied to a sense of powerlessness or a violation of deeply held values. Trying to suppress or control that feeling can feel like trying to control the uncontrollable.
Instead, a more effective approach lies in conscious ownership—allowing the experience of anger without letting it dictate your behavior or where you direct your attention. This is not about controlling your feelings (which are not fully within your control), but rather controlling your actions and where you focus. One useful technique to develop this skill is dropping the anchor, a method pioneered by Russ Harris in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It allows you to acknowledge and accept your emotions while maintaining control over how you respond.
The Problem with Traditional Approaches: Fighting Anger
Breathing exercises and relaxation techniques are often recommended for managing anger. These strategies are meant to calm the physiological reactions to anger—like a racing heart or muscle tension. But for many, these methods fail because they are trying to fight against anger, hoping to diminish or suppress it. In these cases, it’s not just that calming down is a temporary fix—it might not work at all.
This happens because these techniques often aim to push away anger, instead of allowing it to be felt and understood. If the goal is to simply “stop feeling angry,” you’re engaging in a battle that you can’t win. The emotion will persist, or worse, grow stronger over time.
Conscious Ownership: Dropping the Anchor
Rather than focusing on calming down, conscious ownership teaches you to let anger exist while you remain in control of your behaviors and focus. Russ Harris’ dropping the anchor technique is an effective way to practice this approach. Here are the steps:
Acknowledge Thoughts and Feelings: When anger arises, acknowledge it. Say to yourself, “I am feeling angry right now.” Don’t judge the feeling or try to change it. Acknowledge the thoughts that come with it, but don’t get lost in them. You’re not trying to calm down or suppress anything—just noticing what’s happening inside.
Come Into Your Body: To stay grounded, bring your focus into your body. Push your feet firmly into the floor, stretch out your arms, or take a slow breath. These movements anchor you to the present moment, giving you a stable foundation to experience the anger without being overtaken by it.
Engage in What You’re Doing: Finally, re-focus on what’s in front of you. Engage in the task at hand or bring your attention back to what really matters in the moment. This step helps you shift your focus away from the storm of thoughts and emotions and back into purposeful action.
The key to dropping the anchor is not trying to change the emotion of anger but allowing it to exist while staying grounded in your actions. By focusing on what you can control—your behaviors and attention—you can peacefully coexist with the emotion rather than letting it control you.
(article continues below)
Why Allowing Anger Leads to Freedom
When you allow yourself to experience anger fully, you create a new relationship with the emotion. Instead of fearing it or being consumed by it, you learn that anger is a normal part of the human experience. More importantly, you recognize that while you cannot control the feeling itself, you can control how you respond.
Here’s why allowing anger in this way leads to a greater sense of freedom:
You Gain Control Over Your Behavior: Anger doesn’t have to lead to destructive actions. When you acknowledge the feeling without letting it overwhelm you, you maintain control over your responses, leading to more constructive outcomes.
You Don’t Suppress It: Suppression can lead to resentment, frustration, and even physical symptoms like headaches or high blood pressure. Allowing the anger prevents these build-ups, reducing the risk of later outbursts.
You Shift Your Focus: By consciously deciding where to place your attention—on your body or your current task—you break the hold that anger can have over your mind. This creates space for a more peaceful, centered experience, even in the presence of strong emotions.
Looking Ahead
Breathing exercises and relaxation techniques may help some, but for many, they don’t go deep enough. Conscious ownership and dropping the anchor offer an alternative—allowing you to experience anger without being driven by it. This technique shifts the focus from fighting or suppressing emotions to engaging with life as it is.
Next week, we’ll dive deeper into the meaning behind anger. We'll explore what this emotion may be trying to communicate, uncovering a message that not only brings peace but offers deeper self-understanding. Click here to read the next installment.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
