Discover What Your Anger is Telling You
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
Many of us live our lives around believing that we must act out our emotions, especially our anger. But as discussed in the previous article, when we take conscious ownership of our anger, we realize we don’t have to react based on it. Instead, we can acknowledge the emotion while choosing to act according to our values. This approach brings us closer to achieving peace of mind and success in treating others well, even in the midst of conflict.
In this article, we’ll explore how anger serves as a signal, helping us understand our core values. When you feel anger, it’s often because something important to you—one of your values—has been violated. Recognizing this helps you shift from reacting impulsively to responding in a way that’s aligned with what truly matters to you. This is key to finding peace and resolving conflict constructively.
The Hidden Message in Anger
When anger arises, it’s tempting to focus on what someone else has done wrong—perhaps they crossed a line or dismissed something important to you. In those moments, anger can feel justified. However, reacting impulsively often leads to poor outcomes and doesn’t serve the life you want to live.
Instead, pause and ask yourself: What value of mine has been threatened? Is it respect, trust, or fairness? Recognizing the deeper cause of your anger helps you manage it more effectively and respond with clarity and purpose, not impulsiveness.
Example: The Value of Teamwork
Consider a man whose wife didn’t stick to their household budget, spending money on items he felt were unnecessary. His immediate reaction might be frustration or resentment—feeling as though his wife undermined their financial stability. But if he looks deeper, he may discover that his anger is tied to a threatened value.
In this case, the value at stake could be teamwork. Financial decisions, to him, represent a team effort, and her spending feels like a breach of that partnership. By recognizing that his anger is about teamwork, he can approach the situation from a place of reinforcing their bond rather than simply focusing on the money spent. He might ask himself: Am I fully embracing my value of teamwork in this situation?
By reflecting on his own commitment to teamwork, he can shift the conversation away from blame and toward collaboration. Instead of allowing frustration to guide the discussion, he focuses on how they can work together to strengthen their financial decisions and partnership. This approach not only manages his anger but also fosters a stronger relationship by honoring his value.
Example: The Value of Security
In the same scenario, the man’s anger could also be signaling a threat to his value of security. Overspending might trigger fears about their financial future, making him feel vulnerable. When fear morphs into anger, it’s important to acknowledge the underlying insecurity and approach the situation calmly.
By taking ownership of his need for security, he can direct the conversation toward creating a more stable financial future, rather than letting fear and frustration dominate. He might say, “I’m concerned about our long-term financial security, and I want us to work together to ensure we’re secure,” reframing the issue as a shared goal.
This shift from blame to collaboration transforms the conflict into an opportunity for growth, allowing for a more peaceful and productive discussion.
(Related Article—Anger: A brief guide to expressing it well)
Anger as a Tool for Growth
When someone violates our values, our instinct might be to react aggressively or defensively. But if we pause and reflect on whether we’re fully embracing those values ourselves, we create space to handle the situation differently. Anger is a signal, not a command. It alerts you to something important, but it doesn’t require you to act on emotion alone.
By focusing on your values, you can use anger as a tool for personal growth and improved communication. For instance, if you’re angry because you feel disrespected, ask yourself: How can I better honor my value of respect for both myself and others? If you’re upset because your autonomy feels threatened, reflect on how to assert your independence while allowing others the same.
When we consciously connect with our values, anger becomes an opportunity for growth, not conflict. It helps us handle difficult situations with integrity, treating others with respect and understanding while staying true to ourselves.
Anger Is a Message, Not a Directive
Anger is not an enemy to be suppressed, nor is it an impulse that needs to be acted out. It’s a message from within, telling you that something valuable is being threatened. By understanding this message and identifying the values at its core, you can respond to conflict with clarity, purpose, and peace of mind.
The next time you feel anger rising, take a moment to reflect: What value of mine is being threatened? Once you’ve identified that value, ask yourself how you can more fully embrace it in your actions. By doing so, you’re not just managing your anger—you’re transforming it into a path toward deeper self-ownership and a more peaceful, meaningful life.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
