How to say “No” —thinking differently about love and boundaries
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
Many struggle with setting and enforcing boundaries in their relationships, especially when it comes to their significant others or children. You might feel reluctant to assert yourself when your significant other mistreats you. Or perhaps you hesitate to enforce a bedtime for your child because you worry they’ll see you as the "bad guy" instead of the “cool dad.”
You might fear that enforcing such boundaries will lead to conflict or rejection. This fear often leads to boundaries being either poorly enforced or not set at all, which can result in frustration, resentment, and strained relationships.
The False Dichotomy: Love vs. Boundaries
A natural assumption that many of us make is that love and boundaries are like two ends of a single knob. Picture a dial where turning it towards "love" means turning it away from "boundaries." The more love you show, the less you can enforce boundaries, and vice versa. This belief is limiting, leading you to think that increasing one must decrease the other.
You might have experienced this firsthand. Perhaps you believe that being a loving partner or father means saying 'yes' to every request, even if it exhausts you or compromises your values. Avoiding setting limits because you fear it would make you seem uncaring often leads to frustration, exhaustion, and ultimately, resentment. For example, if your child asks for extra screen time, you might allow it despite knowing it disrupts their sleep, just to avoid the conflict of saying no.
On the other hand, when you finally do set boundaries, you might feel the need to be overly strict, perhaps thinking that firmness requires shutting down any expression of love or empathy. This approach can cause just as much harm, leaving your loved ones feeling alienated and misunderstood.
A New Perspective: The Dual-Slider Approach
Instead of viewing love and boundaries as opposites on a single knob, imagine them as two independent sliders on a soundboard. One slider controls the level of love, and the other controls the level of boundaries. The key difference? They can be adjusted independently of each other.
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This means you can be both loving and firm. For example, you can say, "I love you, and I won’t allow this behavior because it’s harmful to our relationship." Or, "I care deeply about you, but I need this time for myself." The dual-slider approach allows you to express love while also maintaining the boundaries that protect your emotional and mental well-being.
Applying the Dual-Slider Approach
In relationships, whether with a partner or children, setting and enforcing boundaries is crucial. Research has shown that environments rich in both love and structure lead to healthier, more resilient relationships. For instance, children thrive when they know they are loved and understand the limits set for them. These boundaries provide security and teach them how to navigate the world with confidence.
In romantic relationships, this approach can prevent the buildup of resentment. If you can express your needs clearly while also affirming your love, you’re more likely to be heard and respected. For example, instead of avoiding a difficult conversation about finances, you might say, "I value our relationship, and I’m concerned about this spending. Let’s find a solution together." This way, both sliders—love and boundaries—are kept high, fostering a relationship that is both nurturing and strong.
The Takeaway: Redefining Boundaries in Relationships
Boundaries don’t have to be frightening or a source of conflict. By shifting away from the idea that love and boundaries are mutually exclusive, and instead viewing them as independent but complementary aspects of a healthy relationship, you can enforce boundaries without fear of losing connection or affection.
The next time you face the challenge of setting a boundary, remember the dual-slider approach. Keep both love and boundaries high, and watch as your relationships become more balanced, clear, and resilient. You’ll find that it’s not about choosing one over the other, but about harmonizing both to create a relationship that’s strong and supportive.
By redefining how you think about boundaries, you can move past the fear and hesitation that often hold you back. You can create relationships that are both loving and secure, where boundaries are not just respected, but embraced as a vital part of a healthy, fulfilling connection.
Click here for a related article: The Secret to Effective Boundaries
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
