Men need to stop apologizing (for the most part)
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
Imagine this: You’re at a family gathering when your wife’s brother starts making subtle but unmistakably disrespectful comments toward you. After putting up with it for a while, you calmly tell him that you’re not interested in his attitude and that you’d appreciate it if he could change his tone. He gets mad, stands up, and with a dismissive "whatever," leaves the room. Your wife is visibly upset, and as you drive home, she’s giving you the silent treatment. You imagine that apologizing might get her talking to you again. But should you?
This is where many men get it wrong. The impulse to apologize is often less about acknowledging genuine wrongdoing and more about seeking approval or avoiding disapproval. Men who frequently apologize often do so impulsively, driven by a deep-seated fear of losing approval or a knee-jerk sense of guilt whenever they think they've impacted someone negatively. This behavior, frequently linked to the "nice-guy syndrome" coined by Robert Glover, sees men neglecting their own wants and values in favor of seeking validation, particularly from women.
Approval-Seeking Apologies vs. Sincere Apologies
Not all apologies are created equal. Let’s look at two types: approval-seeking apologies and sincere apologies.
Approval-seeking apologies are typically impulsive and driven by a need for validation or fear of disapproval. These apologies are often reflexive, meant to pacify others without genuine reflection. For example, let’s say you’ve been feeling unhappy because your wife consistently declines to spend quality time with you. When you express how this makes you feel, she gets really mad, saying that you’re adding more stress to her already hard life. Feeling the tension, you apologize, hoping to return to her good graces. But deep down, you know you didn’t do anything wrong by expressing your feelings. This type of apology undermines self-confidence and perpetuates a cycle of insecurity, as it’s more about easing one's own discomfort than acknowledging any real wrongdoing.
Sincere apologies, on the other hand, are rooted in integrity. They come from a place of genuine remorse after reflecting on one’s actions and recognizing that they’ve hurt someone or violated their own values. These apologies are deliberate and meaningful, signaling a commitment to personal growth and the repair of relationships. For example, if a man realizes he made comment that his wife found hurtful, a sincere apology would be wise, if he’s truly not proud of what he said.
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The Root of the Apology Impulse
From a young age, many men take on the belief that if a woman is upset, it means they've done something wrong. This belief fosters a quick, almost automatic response to accept blame and show compliance, hoping to quell any displeasure. It's an ingrained reaction, built on the fear of women's emotions and the societal expectation that men must fix things, even at the expense of their own integrity. To read more about this belief, here’s an article about how men can overcome fear of women’s emotions.
Embracing the Opportunity for Growth
The impulse to apologize gives us an opportunity to grow. Instead of following this impulse, we should lean into how it feels. By refraining from apologizing immediately and focusing on the feeling, we can accept and digest it. This process helps us let go of unresolved emotions and limiting beliefs that hold us back from fully showing up in the world.
When you feel the urge to apologize, pause. Take a deep breath and accept that you feel this way. Ask yourself if you truly believe you did something wrong. If the answer is no, notice how refraining from apologizing is perfectly acceptable. This practice allows you to align your actions with your values rather than succumbing to impulsive guilt. Therapy can also help in this process by providing a safe space to explore these feelings, understand their origins, and develop healthier responses.
The Cost of Approval-Seeking, People-Pleasing, No-Good, Codependent Apologies
This pattern of behavior creates men who struggle to act effectively in the world and fail to show up authentically with their significant others, families, and teammates. They become chameleons, constantly changing to fit the expectations of others, which undermines their sense of self and erodes trust in their relationships.
However, when someone genuinely recognizes they've done something hurtful or violated their own values, an apology is an act of integrity. It's meaningful and necessary. The key difference lies in the intent and timing behind the apology.
A New Approach to Apologizing
A good rule of thumb is: don’t apologize fast. Apologies should always be well-considered. If you feel an impulse to apologize, pause. Take a deep breath and check in with yourself. Reflect on whether your actions truly went against your values.
Examples to Consider:
An Apology with Integrity:
You’re having fun bantering with your wife and some friends at a dinner party. A friend makes a comment about his mother-in-law, and you chime in about how mean your mother-in-law is. You see an upset look on your wife’s face. You realize that your wife felt quite hurt about the comment, and after some reflection, you decide that you really aren’t proud of your comment. If you believe you did something you aren’t proud of, it can be good to apologize.
Approval-seeking apology:
You express your opinion in a meeting, and someone disagrees. You feel the urge to apologize because you’re afraid their opinion of you may have soured.
The Benefits of Mindful Apologizing
By taking this pause, you gain a better understanding of yourself. You start to emerge as a man with his own sense of right and wrong, rather than one who bends to external pressures. This approach makes you more trustworthy because your apologies carry more weight and sincerity.
When you apologize thoughtfully, it reflects a genuine acknowledgment of wrongdoing and a commitment to personal integrity. This not only strengthens your relationships but also fosters respect from those around you. In the long run, you'll find that you're more respected and your interactions become more authentic and meaningful.
Now, think back to that drive home after the family gathering. Your wife is upset, and you’re feeling the urge to apologize. Ask yourself: Did you truly do something wrong, or are you seeking approval? Should you apologize, or is this an opportunity to stand by your values and actions? Therapy can help you navigate these questions, providing the clarity and confidence needed to make decisions that align with your values.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
