For stronger relationships: less time, more purpose
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
The idea that spending more time together equals stronger relationships seems intuitive. People don’t bond if they don’t interact, and relationships can grow cold when they lose contact.
But familiarity also breeds contempt. And boredom. And excuses to resent each other. When we are with each other all the time, there’s less reason to engage in those special activities that can bring us closer.
Think of all those family holidays: everyone crammed into the same living room, days blending together as you stare at the TV or scroll through your phones. Before long, the novelty of reconnecting wears off, and you’re reminded of all the reasons you chose not to live with these people.
This is true for romantic relationships, parenting, and even platonic friendships. Simply existing in each other’s space isn’t the same as connecting. To build stronger, more fulfilling relationships, it’s not about spending more time together—it’s about spending it better.
The Myth of More Time Equals More Love
Early in a relationship, the time you spend together feels purposeful. You plan dates, share meaningful conversations, and savor each other’s company. As the relationship grows, it’s tempting to think, If two evenings a week feel great, imagine how amazing every single day together will be!
But constant proximity doesn’t amplify love—it often dilutes it. Relationships thrive on intention, not just availability. Moving in together, spending weekends lounging around the house, or defaulting to “being together” can create a sense of staleness instead of intimacy.
Humans may not have evolved to spend excessive passive time together. Historically, men and women had distinct roles—hunting, gathering, defending the village, or engaging in other essential activities. These tasks ensured that time spent together was often purposeful and meaningful, not idle or passive.
Often, restoring the sense of intimacy requires some amount of space, distance, or unavailability, which can motivate the intention to be close. People don’t feel an intrinsic motivation to become close when they have an abundance of closeness.
This is one of the reasons your hobbies, work projects, and workout schedules are good for your relationship. This is why (or one of the reasons) I take myself out to eat every Wednesday night. Closeness and distance are both essential ingredients for thriving relationships.
Lessons From My Grandfather
When I was 18, I visited my grandfather on my own for the first time. I expected us to spend the whole week together, basically hanging out. He had something different in mind.
After picking me up from the airport, we grabbed lunch at one of his favorite spots. Then, he told me about some places I might enjoy visiting on my own and suggested we regroup for dinner at 6:00. For the rest of the week, we alternated between shared meals, outings, and time spent apart. I spent hours alone on the beach, which was very much my thing. He spent time doing his things, which included walking up and down the steps in the public library for exercise.
Our interactions remained pleasant, fun, and meaningful. And it contrasted sharply with visits to other relatives, where the expectation was simply for me to be there.
Applying This to Family and Parenting
This principle works wonders for family visits, especially over the holidays. Instead of everyone coexisting in the same space, plan deliberate pockets of connection. Have meals together, take walks, or share a favorite activity. Then let everyone branch out—go sightseeing, pursue individual interests, or just enjoy some quiet time.
Even with your kids, this approach can make a difference. I don’t spend endless passive hours with my daughters, but the time we share is focused and intentional, and our relationships are very close. I make it a priority to have one-on-one time with each of them every weekend, push for interactive family dinners, and suggest activities like hikes or visits to the farmers' market.
It’s possible to spend all day in the same house and feel like strangers. On the flip side, even brief, purposeful interactions can create lasting bonds.
Romantic Relationships: Less Is Often More
This applies just as much to your significant other. Think back to when you were dating: you likely spent a few hours a week together, and those moments felt electric. Now, living together or seeing each other daily, you might find the spark dimmed by the sheer volume of time spent in each other’s orbit.
Quality time doesn’t mean constant time. It means being deliberate. Start your day with a meaningful greeting. Share a thoughtful dinner in the evening. Instead of defaulting to an entire weekend of vague “togetherness,” pursue separate interests and reconvene for activities you both genuinely want to do.
Even on vacations, allow for individual space. When my family travels, I make time for my meditation and exercise, and I encourage my wife to do the same. We mix solo adventures, one-on-one outings with our kids, and group activities. This balance keeps us all refreshed and engaged.
Togetherness Needs Separateness
Good relationships thrive on two essential ingredients: togetherness and separateness. Without togetherness, you lose connection. Without separateness, you lose perspective.
Intentional time together says, I want to be here with you. Intentional time apart says, I trust you to have your own life, and I’ll still be here when you’re ready to share it. When you get both right, relationships stop feeling stale and start feeling alive again.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
