Sit with the emptiness before trying to fill it
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
When you feel incomplete, it's natural to want to fill the gap. Whether you’re working away from your family, or longing for a relationship, searching for deeper purpose, or simply wishing for a drink, a win, or a new adventure:
Emptiness feels uncomfortable.
It's normal to try to make the emptiness go away, either through distraction or trying to somehow meet an unmet need.
Before reaching for a snack…
There's nothing inherently wrong with either of these approaches. Distractions can serve important functions, offering temporary relief or a mental break. However, they can also prevent us from acknowledging the underlying need if we use them consistently to avoid what the discomfort might teach us. And there's nothing wrong with taking action to meet a need—except that there may be something valuable to gain by sitting with the feeling first.
A chance to learn, grow and heal
Loneliness, dissatisfaction, and restlessness often point to something deeper than the surface-level need we think we have. Feeling lonely may not just be about missing a specific person or relationship—it can be connected to old emotional wounds, limiting beliefs, or a fear that we’re unimportant or unworthy of connection. The discomfort itself has something to teach us, or it points us to something we can overcome.
But instead of sitting with that feeling, many turn to distractions: food, alcohol, excessive work, shopping, or constant entertainment. These distractions can temporarily numb the feeling, but they don't address the underlying need. And when the distraction fades, the emptiness often remains.
Others attempt to meet the need head-on. A deployed service member missing family may make frequent calls home, spend time with new friends, or seek out romantic encounters. Someone longing for more career fulfillment might chase promotions or try to find a new job. There’s nothing wrong with seeking to meet your needs, as long as it aligns with your values. But if you jump straight into action, you might miss out on a deeper understanding of yourself.
Why we must must welcome the discomfort
Sitting with discomfort isn’t easy. It can be painful. Leaning into pain will, by definition, hurt. But avoiding it doesn’t make it go away—it just keeps it beneath the surface, shaping your choices in ways you might not even realize.
Instead of rushing to fix the discomfort, take time to experience it. Let yourself feel the emptiness, the loneliness, the dissatisfaction. Notice where you feel it in your body. Breathe. Let it exist. You're not asking yourself to suffer; just allow the feeling without letting it take over. You visit the emotion, acknowledge it, and then move forward—without letting it define you or drive your actions.
This can be as simple as noticing what you’re feeling and making a conscious effort to allow the experience. Briefly. Then, show yourself that you’re still in control of your body. Do a few push-ups. Stretch. Take a few deep breaths. These small actions ground you in the present and remind you that you are more than your emotions.
Once you've given yourself that space, think about the need beneath the feeling. What’s really missing? Why is it important to you? The more clarity you gain, the more intentional you can be in addressing it.
Meet your needs from a place of awareness
Once you've spent time sitting with the discomfort and practicing mindfulness, you’ll be in a much stronger position to meet your needs. When you take action from a place of peace, it’s much more effective. You won’t be dependent on others for validation, because you’ve already found some peace within yourself. You can pursue deeper friendships, more meaningful career moves, or richer experiences without feeling like you have to fill a void.
This principle applies to any area of life where you feel empty or dissatisfied—whether it’s your career, body, fitness, or social status. If you're feeling unsatisfied with your job, don’t rush into the next promotion or a career change. First, sit with the dissatisfaction. What does it feel like to be unfulfilled? What happens when you stop trying to fix it right away and allow yourself to feel the discomfort? By accepting that feeling, you'll approach your next move with a clearer sense of who you are, and what truly aligns with your values.
You are whole
We all experience emptiness, but it's important to recognize that it’s often a reflection of a feeling we don’t want to sit with. We treat those experiences—loneliness, dissatisfaction—as if they are a lack within us, something broken that needs fixing. But when we accept how we feel and consciously experience those feelings, we can recognize that we are whole. We are not lacking or broken. We are complete as we are.
When you accept yourself fully, you’ll find that your actions come from a place of wholeness, not desperation. Who’s better at making friends: someone who feels desperate for connection or someone at peace with themselves? Who’s better at advancing in their career: someone who believes they’re not enough or someone who accepts themselves and their life as they are?
By embracing your feelings and tolerating the discomfort, you give yourself the freedom to grow from a place of wholeness, regarding yourself not as lacking or flawed, but a fully adequate and complete person, capable of living a strong and satisfying life.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
