Candid advice from a men’s psychotherapist
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for article home page.
I always ask permission before I offer my clients any advice, because advice isn’t really a part of my job. Psychotherapy isn't about advice. I dispense some now and then, but the real magic happens when clients discover truths and overcome obstacles through our collaborations. However, for those curious about what advice a therapist for men might offer, here are 7 distinctions I believe can make most men's lives better.
1. Practice Not Caring What Your Parents Think
This is a decision to make, but it takes practice to really accomplish it. Many men live under the shadow of their parents' expectations or allow their sense of self to rise and fall according to how much approval their parents express toward them. This kind of attachment stifles our true selves. Unresolved emotions about our parents will control our life paths, even if the unresolved emotion is resentment. Feeling detached about what your parents think is a healthier state than either feeling elated about their approval or resentful of them. Every time you catch yourself resenting them or worrying about their opinion, see this as an opportunity to level up in life. By dealing with the emotions we have about our parents, whatever the emotions are, we make our own paths clearer for ourselves.
2. Don’t Drink Alcohol
Studies show that even moderate alcohol consumption can weaken us mentally and physically. Alcohol is a crutch that numbs emotions and hinders personal growth. I used to take two drinks every Friday, and eventually I realized it was making it harder for me to enjoy my time with my family on Saturdays. When I stopped drinking, my health, enjoyment, and functioning improved significantly. If alcohol doesn’t affect you as it affected me (and many other people), then do your thing. Live your life. But my personal and clinical experience has led me to believe that giving it up is one of the most effective ways to have a clearer mind and more stable emotions.
3. Practice a Martial Art
Martial arts provide an opportunity to push and polish yourself. They give you a controlled environment to become conscious of your own aggression, and potentially learn to replace aggression with powerful assertiveness. The high levels of challenge, achievement, constant lessons in humility, and the camaraderie and belonging you find in martial arts are invaluable psychological benefits.
4. Do Both Hard Exercise and Nurturing Exercise
Engage in activities like weightlifting or running to build strength and endurance. However, hard exercise alone can be a struggle to maintain. Weightlifting is essential for resilient bones, joints, and mobility, but it's also an expenditure that sometimes needs to be recovered. Balance this with yoga, tai chi, slow walks, or meditating, and you might be able to lift heavier, fight harder, and live more life, even as you get older.
5. Read the Roberts: Johnson, Bly, and Glover
Robert Johnson's He, Robert Bly's Iron John, and Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy are essential reads. These books delve into the psyche of men, each in very different ways, and offer invaluable insights into embracing your true self. They teach you to reject toxic people-pleasing and approval-seeking behaviors and instead live authentically.
6. Practice Feeling Calm in the Presence of Your Significant Other’s Emotions
Men often struggle with their partner's emotional expressions. Instead of reacting defensively, practice staying calm, and let her have her feelings. This not only improves your relationship but also strengthens your emotional resilience.
7. Learn About What You Must Have in a Relationship
Understand what you need in a relationship and under what circumstances you'd leave. For instance, if you know you want children and your partner doesn't, it's good to recognize this as a dealbreaker. Many people stay in relationships they are unhappy with because they aren't sure about their priorities or are afraid to approach these important topics with their mates. Avoiding these conversations might keep the peace temporarily, but it also prevents the relationship from growing. "I'll stay with you no matter what" isn't a healthy attitude. Relationships are conditional, and acknowledging this empowers you to improve them.
These pieces of advice aren't about quick fixes, and they’re definitely not feel-good platitudes. They're some steps that can make men’s lives better. If you're ready to invest in yourself, these practices can guide you towards a more authentic, fulfilled life. Check back next week for another installment of the advice I have for men that I (usually) don’t tell my clients.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
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