Anger: A brief guide to expressing it well
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Anger is a powerful experience and we are often not at our best when we respond to it.
One normal reaction is to release its intensity upon the environment. This can include forcibly changing the experience of other people by yelling, screaming, hitting, blaming or demonizing, and other attempts to gain power over others.
Another common response to anger is to avoid it. Perhaps we’re aware of risks associated with releasing our anger on the environment, and we aren’t equipped to deal with it any other way. So we try to avoid it by somehow denying our experience of anger, either by repressing it or distracting ourselves from it.
Violent venting
Neither of these responses are great for us, and both can add to our anxiety. Attacking people brings anxiety from real or imagined consequences of our attacks. That can include fear of fear of punishment or revenge, or guilt about having hurt the person we took our emotions out on, or shame for having revealed ourselves to not be in control of how we express ourselves.
Anxious avoidance
Repressed anger itself is often felt as anxiety. It is fascinating how many individuals who suffer from anxiety find themselves feeling a new sense of anger as for a while as part of their healing process. Many of us suffered unfair treatment experiences as children, but because we were kids, we didn’t feel safe giving a voice to our anger. Our safest bet was to repress the anger and with it, the idea that we were treated unfairly. Now instead of being angry about being treated poorly when we deserved to be treated well, we adapt to our worlds by feeling anxiously powerless to respond and/or believing we deserve the bad treatment we received. As we heal the unresolved pain of these experiences and free ourselves from beliefs of powerlessness and unworthiness, we may get angry as we own the reality that what happened was unfair.
A good response to anger
Responding well to our anger starts with regarding it for what it is, and understanding what it can be helpful for.
Anger is a signal. It can alert us to situations where we feel as if we’re being treated unfairly, or that a value or a boundary is being violated. If any of these things are true, a good start is to recognize it.
“I’m angry because I believe I deserve to be paid more than I am being paid.”
"I'm angry because I do not believe I am being recognized or appreciated."
“I’m angry because I believe I am being treated disrespectfully, and I deserve to be treated respectfully.”
Step 1: Own your anger
Own everything about your anger: the reasons you’re angry; what your anger can teach you about what's important to you; and the boundaries that you believe in.
Feel how you feel your anger in your body. Where in your body do you feel it? What does it feel like?
Feel it and own it. Appreciate it. It's no more an enemy than a check engine light. And once you’ve accepted it to the point that you DON’T feel a desperate need to express it, you might be in a good state to express it mindfully.
Step 2: Represent your values
Express your anger in a way that aligns with your values. I value the emotional health of my children, so if I’m going to share my anger with them, it’s important to me to avoid yelling or suggesting that the reason I’m mad is that there’s something wrong with them.
I value closeness in my relationship with my wife, so it’s important to me to express my anger in a way that doesn’t threaten that.
Step 3: Avoid judgment and blame
Be honest about your feelings and objective about the reasons
If you’re angry, tell the truth about how you’re feeling. But avoid using judgments.
“I feel angry,” can be simply an honest statement.
“You’re a jerk” is a judgment. Don’t say “I’m angry because you’re a jerk,” unless you want to dispense with the relationship and add hostility to your life. Instead be specific about what happened.
“I feel angry when you don’t ask me what I want to watch on TV.”
Use the word “when” instead of “because.” If you say you feel angry because of what they did, you’re blaming them. If you say you feel angry when they do something, you’re being honest about your own emotional reaction.
And maybe this is an opportunity to share a little more about what’s important to you:
“I feel angry when you don’t ask me what I want to watch on TV. It’s important to me that we show we care about each other’s enjoyment. I want us to find something we both want to watch.”
Step 4: Keep owning it
After you express your anger in a gentle and nonjudgmental way that reflects your values, you may still feel angry. That's OK. You'll do well as long as you neither avoid it nor take it out on anyone.
Be neither disconnected from it, nor dominated by it.
Be neither unfeeling, nor stuck in your feelings.
It's not comfortable, but it's doable. Notice the feeling and how you feel it in your body, and breathe. Allow it to be there. Focus on it. Accept it as it is. The most effective way to hold onto anger is to try to get rid of it. The most effective way of finding freedom from it is to allow it to be there and stay willing to have the feeling as part of your experience.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
