How to be a good dad (when you’re feeling tense, anxious, irritable, etc.)
I’d like to share a technique I use with my clients and myself. It’s powerful, flexible, and it takes only a few minutes.
I often finish up at the office at 6 p.m. with the hope of getting home in time for dinner with my family.
I open the front door and am greeted by three children and two big dogs. The kids either climb on my legs, or respond to my trying to hug them by jumping so enthusiastically I fear they'll headbutt by teeth. I try to have the dogs sit, as I’m training them to do when I get home, but they’re also too excited. And the kids sometimes distract them while I’m trying to accomplish that task.
And while I’m trying to express my affection for the children I haven’t seen all day and train the wild dogs which are jumping on me in my work clothes, my wife shouts from the kitchen, “Come on, let’s eat! The food is hot and the kids are hungry!”
I take a breath, and I say nothing, though I feel quite like shouting, “Hold your damned horses I’m being blocked by a crazed mob and I’ve been nonstop busy all day!”
Feeling some overwhelm, pressure, irritation, tension, I go into the kitchen and kiss her hello. Food smells great. She looks as tired and tense as I feel, but I’m feeling more tension than empathy.
Turning things around
“I’ll be right back,” I tell her. “I’m going to go change.”
I head upstairs. I’m dreading going back down. It’s not that I’m not hungry or that I don’t love my family. I love my family. And I feel like bursting.
I take some steps to take responsibility for my state and how I want to interact with my family.
I ask myself how I’m feeling. I’m feeling angry and anxious. I’m afraid I’ll yell at my kids and I feel guilty about that and about being away from them all day.
I ask myself what I’m thinking. I notice such thoughts as: I’m a burnout. I’m a bad father. I’m an absentee.
Then I do something physical. I breathe in while shrugging my shoulders and then pull my shoulders back. I relax them as I exhale a deep sigh.
And now I put my focus on my environment. I look for something blue and find a blue section on a painting on the wall. Listening for sounds I can hear, I note the laughter of my happy children. I notice physical sensations: the feelings of my shirt on my shoulders, my feet on the floor and the temperature of the air.
And I’m ready to go downstairs, still conscious of feelings of tension and irritation, but they aren’t controlling me. I’m confident in my ability to move in a loving and gentle way. I’m confident in my ability to focus on the joy of having a loving family through dinner and until they go to bed.
A good relationship with your feelings
Most of us dads live at one extreme or another with regards to experiencing our feelings.
One extreme is to disconnect. No feelings. We have too much to do. There’s no time to feel feelings. And the feelings are painful, so why would we want to?
Or we find ourselves immersed in our feelings. We yell when we’re mad, or complain when we feel ignored. We tell people on social media to “F^@% OFF” when we feel offended by their stupidity.
Neither of these extremes work for us. Letting our feelings control our actions makes us ineffective, unreliable and reactive. And the opposite, controlling our feelings, hides our warmth, makes us disconnected and repressed, and eventually… it also makes us reactive.
The emotions we try to control are the emotions that end up controlling us.
A “middle way” between these two extremes is to notice and own our feelings, while also noticing and owning our ability to choose our actions and choose what we focus on. “Dropping an Anchor,” from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, is a very effective method of mindfully experiencing our emotions in a way that helps us function better.
How to drop an anchor
Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. What emotions are you feeling within you? What are you thinking? Simply notice and acknowledge. Maybe speak it to yourself: I’m feeling ______. I’m thinking the thought that ______.
Center yourself in your body. Do any brief exercise that mindfully incorporates your breath. I like to stand up, breathe in and sigh, while shaking my arms. Or some slow pushups. Or rotating your shoulders slowly with the breath.
Engage with the environment. Notice what you see, hear and/or feel. As much as you like. I like to focus in on physical sensations by first noticing what’s on me, like the feeling of my shirt on my arms. Then the feeling of what I’m on, like the feeling of my feet on the floor or my legs on a chair. Then the temperature of the air.
Now notice how ready you are to do what you gotta do. If you don’t feel ready, repeat the steps a couple times.
Dealing well with your thoughts and feelings is just one important part of doing well as a dad, but it’s an important part. It can apply to other roles, such as mom, boss, Soldier, employee, or therapist. Whatever role is important to you in your life, this exercise can help you do well as you attend to what is most important to you.
Enjoy!
