Tne Secrets of Understanding Motivations

A friend recently asked me to help him understand the confusing behavior of a woman he wanted to date. She had first told him he was perfect for her, leading him to believe they could be together. But before long, she told him they couldn't date because he was "too perfect" for her.

I remembered one of the first conversations I had with this friend, where I shared that I almost never take people at face value when they make claims about why they do things. A key reason for this is my belief in the existence of the unconscious mind. A significant portion of what people do is driven by unconscious factors. If we fully understood our motivations, they would no longer be unconscious.

The Complexity of Causation

The second reason I hesitate to take motivations at face value is that motivation is ultimately a statement about causation, and causation is often ambiguous. For instance, if I dropped an egg on the floor, the immediate cause might seem simple: I dropped it. But the truth is often more complicated. Perhaps I was stressed out from staying up late working, had kids crowding me, was anxious, and someone bumped into me just as I was holding the egg.

But the web of causality goes even deeper. What led to my working late? What triggered the anxiety? Maybe it’s something happening in my personal life, such as issues with my wife or financial stress. The reasons for dropping the egg are not as straightforward as they may seem.

Motivation as Outcome-Oriented

To explore further, we can look at the results of an action and ask whether those results were somehow desired. Take children, for example: when they misbehave, it’s often because they want attention. They might even act out in ways that elicit anger, as this gives them more attention than they would receive from the parent’s calm behavior.

Similarly, when I dropped the egg, maybe one outcome was that my kids saw me as anxious and clumsy, and they learned to give me space while I’m cooking.

Communication and Hidden Commands

This line of thinking leads us to consider how communication inherently involves an intention to get someone to do something. As noted by the philosopher Paul Watzlawick, all communication has both content and a command. In other words, when someone says something, they’re conveying both information and also trying to achieve a certain result. For example, when someone says “Good morning” at work, the content is simply the greeting — that it’s a good morning, or that the speaker is acknowledging the day. The command, however, could be something deeper: perhaps the speaker wants the other person to feel acknowledged or comfortable. A simple "Good morning" could also signal a desire for the same greeting in return. In relationships, a person might say "I love you" not only to express their own feelings but to prompt the other person to reciprocate, validate feelings, affirm their commitment, or many other things.

Understanding Motivation Through Social Results

To truly understand someone’s motivation, it's essential to consider the results that follow from their actions, particularly the social and relational outcomes. Social animals like dogs provide a good example. When dogs sniff each other’s behinds, it’s often thought to be a way to gather information about one another. But there's more to it. When one dog wants to sniff another, it’s not just about information; it’s also about signaling a relationship. The dog doing the sniffing is expressing interest in the other dog, while the dog being sniffed may be communicating something about their status or openness.

Reassessing Kathleen's Motivation

Now, let's return to the situation with Brandon and Kathleen. When Kathleen tells Brandon that he’s "too perfect" for her and that they can’t be together, what can we infer about her motivations? At first glance, this might seem like a straightforward rejection. But I don’t think that’s the whole picture. While Kathleen may indeed not want to be with Brandon, the way she says it could be signaling other things.

First, complimenting someone before rejecting them often softens the blow. A rejection with a compliment — “You’re too perfect for me” — feels less harsh than saying, "I don’t want to be with you because I don’t like how I feel around you." The compliment helps maintain Brandon’s dignity and might make him feel better than a more direct critique.

Additionally, by giving Brandon this compliment, Kathleen might be trying to keep him interested. She may want to avoid closing the door completely and potentially leave a lingering sense of possibility, which might encourage Brandon to remain hopeful. In doing so, she might be maintaining a level of power in the situation, allowing her to have his attention without the responsibility of a committed relationship.

Manipulation and Agency

Loneliness is often less about the absence of people and more about the feeling of not being loved. So, it’s plausible that Kathleen, even if she doesn’t want a relationship with Brandon, might feel comforted by the fact that he’s still interested in her. This attention, even from a distance, can help alleviate feelings of loneliness, making her feel validated without the pressure of having to reciprocate the commitment.

This dynamic can be seen as manipulative, and I do think that, in this situation, Kathleen is manipulating Brandon. However, it’s also important to recognize that Brandon has agency in how he responds.

Reclaiming Power in Relationships

If I were Brandon, my advice would be to pay attention to how he behaves toward Kathleen. The key is to act in ways that are authentic and not driven by the desire to get something from her. If his communication with her is geared towards getting her to change her mind or to elicit a particular outcome, then he too would be engaging in manipulation. Rather than trying to control the situation, Brandon should focus on being honest with himself and her, without attachment to a specific outcome.

This approach requires that Brandon deal with any feelings of needing validation from Kathleen or the desire for her acceptance. Once he can make peace with those feelings and stop letting them dictate his behavior, he can be more genuine and maintain his own power.

The Paradox of Detachment

Interestingly, when people take their power back in this way — by no longer seeking validation from others — they often find that the other person becomes more interested. It’s a phenomenon that’s often seen with people who have avoidant attachment styles. When someone pulls away, the other person may respond by increasing their efforts to regain the connection. However, this renewed interest often fades once the person feels they have reasserted their power, leading to a cyclical pattern.

Reclaiming Authenticity in Relationships

In relationships, we sometimes need to look beyond surface-level explanations and understand the deeper motivations driving actions and decisions. People’s behaviors often come from unconscious desires, social dynamics, or even subtle manipulations. Sometimes, when we take things at face value, we miss the complexity of these underlying factors.

For Brandon, the key is to focus on his own agency, ensuring his actions are grounded in authenticity. By reclaiming his own power and detaching from the need for external validation, he can create healthier dynamics in his relationships. Understanding the hidden commands behind communication and considering the outcomes of our actions will help us navigate relationships with more clarity and intentionality. Ultimately, by embracing this level of awareness, we can avoid falling into unproductive patterns.