This therapist’s birthday wish
I have a confession to make: For just a split second this morning, I thought my wish was for the world to be nicer to me. There's an obstacle on my path these days that inspires thoughts about unfairness and a temptation to tell a story about how I'm being persecuted.
I'm proud to say that thought quickly vanished, and made room for a better birthday wish:
Today, as I turn 45 years old, my wish is to more fully embrace the attitude that my life is not about what the world throws in my direction, but how I respond to it. I want to embrace this attitude with such conviction that I feel no desire for my troubles to vanish, but instead feel a sincere and complete gratitude for the challenges as opportunities to learn and grow stronger
Every philosophy of any worth teaches this. This is something that Stoicism, Christianity, Buddhism, martial arts and cognitive behavioral therapy behavioral therapy teach:
Your life is not what happens to you.
The quality of your life depends on what you do, especially in response to challenges that arise.
Imagine accepting what you can't control
Imagine what it would be like to fully embrace the reality that we do not have control over any of the following:
what other people think about you
what other people say about you
whether other people treat you fairly
the economy
decisions that politicians make
ideas that become popular on social media
how long your car lasts
decisions your family members make
tax rates
the price of gas
Of course there are things you can do to influence these. Voting is a way to influence policy. Getting your oil changed can influence how long your car runs. Food and lifestyle can influence your health. But the difference between control and influence is HUGE.
Influence vs. control
Influence is when you do something that might increase the likelihood of an event. When you exercise and avoid sweets, you probably reduce your risk of health problems. But you don't prevent health problems.
Control is when we are emotionally invested in the certainty of a result. I believe that in many situations, we are more influential when we've given up the need to control.
We are more likely to influence the decisions of those around us when we accept that ultimately, we don't control the decisions they make.
What will you focus on instead?
My favorite piece of wisdom from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is that we are only in control of what we focus on and what we do with our bodies.
So when it looks like shit is hitting the fan, what are we going to focus on so that we live good lives?
We can focus on "why me?" or instead, we can focus on what matters to us.
We can focus on what we can do to experience more of what matters to us. We can focus on being loving to the people we love, and active in the pursuits that fulfill us. We can focus on our own healing and development so that we can stay truer to ourselves as we weather the storms. We can focus on being who we truly want to be.
For my birthday, I want the attitude!
I wish to fully embrace with gratitude the challenges that arise in my life. Without these challenges, how can I measure the degree to which I'm truly living the philosophies I admire?
And if I am going to truly appreciate the opportunities to show that I'm in control of what I do, then what's stopping me from loving the so called "hardships?" We all know how easy it is to enjoy games that constantly present us with challenges. Why not enjoy the game of life, with its seemingly inexhaustible supply of challenges?
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
Victor Frankl
Get in touch
Michael Giles LCSW is a therapist who specializes in anxiety, trauma and men's mental health needs, in the Austin, TX, area. Call 737-241-8135 to schedule a free and confidential consultation.
