Her mental load, and what you can do about it
Here’s a recent tale of a man who dealt well with supporting his wife’s overwhelming mental load. Let’s call him Joe, to protect his privacy, and that of his wife.
Feeling “responsible for everything”
His wife, Meg, started a new job. Once the initial excitement wore off, she starting to arrive home with a short temper. Joe finished work around the same time. He was ready to tackle dinner, cleaning and childcare together, but that didn't help with her bad mood. Meg still complained that she felt responsible for to take care of everything.
If he tried to rest for five minutes once he got home, Meg accused him of expecting her to handle dinner on her own.
When he tried to collaborate with her in the kitchen, she micromanaged him. She followed him around, fixing what she thought were his mistakes. Instead of resting, and letting him do his imperfect best, she changed his stove settings. She put lids on saucepans, told him he was using the wrong knife, and that he needed to wash the vegetables longer.
He didn't enjoy this. He felt insulted, as if she was saying he couldn’t manage kitchen tasks. And it was clear that his decision to take over in the kitchen wasn't prompting her to take a rest.
Trying to give her a break
One day, he got home early and had a chance to give her a break. He picked up the kids, cooked, cleared the dishwasher, took out the trash and recycling, and set the table. Meg said “thank you,” but remained quiet as they ate. Then he told her he had to work a little later the next day, and asked if she could drive their oldest to field hockey practice. She blurt out: “As usual, I have to do ALL the driving!” Joe had actually done most of the kids’ driving that week, and felt angry about her not acknowledging what he was doing.
And despite all he had done that evening, she seemed to still feel sorry for herself.
The obvious solution makes things worse
The psychology of this situation isn’t mysterious, though the solution may be. Meg took on a new job. Changes bring stress. Stress can make it harder to deal with everyday situations. It can bring out underlying resentments and unresolved baggage.
But the solution is NOT obvious. Intuitively, many will say that the solution is for Joe to do more around the house. That might be what Meg would say needed to happen. But regardless of whether Joe already did his share, doing more housework wouldn’t entirely solve the problem. That’s not how emotions work.
In this situation, Meg was responsible for her own behavior, and how she expressed her emotions. Since she cared about the relationship, she was responsible to show that in her communication. If Joe responded to her moods by cleaning more, he’d send the message: “your bad moods motivate me to get stuff done.” And that could actually encourage more bad moods.
Help at a higher level
Of course, it’s possible he wasn’t doing his share of housework. That could be part of the problem. He may have been leaving her more to do than she could handle. But even if that was the case, it wasn’t the only problem, and was not the problem that was causing her to feel overwhelmed. The problem was that she felt overwhelmed with the management-level responsibilities, including:
creating a system for a disorganized space
decisions for what to prioritize with their limited time and energy
the responsibility to motivate him to participate
In other words, she didn't only feel overwhelmed by just the tasks. She also felt overwhelmed by the responsibility to manage a system. And by the responsibility to create order out of chaos.
When Joe realized this, he stepped up in a way that made a difference.
Taking effective action
He told her he wanted to sit down together for 5 minutes once they both got home and plan their night together. They could check in about how they were feeling, what needed to get done, and what their plan to share the labor was. She responded that when she gets back from work, she’s in no state to sit still. Her mind was on feeding the kids and dealing with the mess.
He said, “I care about us working well together in the evenings. It’s the first time I see you every day. I want us to enjoy our time together. I want the kids to see us working well together.”
She agreed to give it a shot.
They took it one day at a time. They crafted their plan for every evening based on what each brought to the table. When they both felt like they could function, they cooked together. He made rice and chopped veggies, and she did her magic with the air fryer.
When one of them felt far more capable than the other, they volunteered to make dinner. The other would rest and clean up afterwards.
When one of them said, “I’m spent, I’ve got nothing, I need to lie down,” then the other would manage things that night. When they were both too tired to do anything, they could get burgers or Thai.
Create order from chaos
This new routine helped resolve the conflict because it took care of the question that was making her anxious.
The question was: How do we make sure everything gets done that needs to get done?
The new routine answered this question. In doing so, it took overwhelming disorder and transformed it into manageable order.
Not necessarily a gender stereotype
This can happen regardless of gender. Either can feel overwhelmed, and either can engage in organized planning. Internet messaging suggests that women struggle more with mental loads over household tasks. And men are stereotyped as either clueless or avoidant when it comes to household tasks.
I can confess to this cluelessness. When I wake up in the morning and go about my day, household tasks don’t occur to me. My mind focuses on the weight I want to lift, the outings I want with my children, the clients I want to help, the training I want to give my dogs, the money I want to make, the retirement I want to save for, the technique I want to master on the guitar, the article I want to write… and so on. This is the kind of stuff I see in the morning, even if the sink is full of dishes.
This might be a deficiency on my part. Or it might just be the way I’m wired. I have weaknesses.
But I can apply my strength in ways that contribute to household management. I'm good at waking up and thinking about accomplishing missions, so it's easy for me to focus on this one: the system I want to implement, team I want to lead, and the partnership I want to nurture.
I don't mean to imply that my wife, and Joe's wife, are not also skilled at this kind of focus. These scenarios may tempt us to generalize about the genders, but it isn't necessary.
Instead, it's enough to consider that when someone is overwhelmed, they might not only need help doing the tasks. They might also need your active involvement in designing a workable system.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
