Find Peace Around Jerks and Enjoy Holiday Gatherings
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
The holidays are supposed to be about joy and connection… and some people make that hard. Whether it’s a relative who thrives on being obnoxious or an in-law who, for some reason, won’t stop trying to compete with you, you don’t have to let them ruin your experience. Here’s a practical guide to staying grounded, finding peace, and even enjoying yourself—featuring annoying cousin Bob.
Deal With Your Feelings: Notice, Welcome, Move, Focus
Acknowledge what’s happening inside you. Your feelings are yours, even if some Bob triggers them in you.
Notice the irritation—If you feel frustrated after Bob makes a backhanded comment about your job, just notice that feeling for a second.
Welcome it without judgment—“It’s okay that I feel this. Anyone would.”
Then move—Get up and stretch, or take a deep breath to remind yourself that you’re still in control.
Finally, focus—Put your attention on the environment: What smells great in the kitchen? Or shift your focus to what matters—your values, like connection or joy.
When Bob chuckles and says, “Still working at that little company? I guess it’s better than nothing,” let yourself feel the sting for a moment. Then, redirect your energy to chatting with a relative who appreciates you or savoring the dessert tray.
This isn’t about bottling up emotions; it’s about psychological flexibility. By allowing your feelings, you free yourself to respond intentionally and enjoy the gathering on your terms.
Set Boundaries—And Have Fun Watching Bob Push Them
Sometimes, the best way to deal with Cousin Bob is to set a clear, calm boundary. If he trips over it and embarrasses himself, that’s on him.
Bob might kick things up a notch by bringing up politics—a topic you’ve already set limits on. When he says, “I just don’t get how anyone with half a brain could think like that,” you can reply, “Bob, I’m here to enjoy time with everyone, not debate. Let’s keep it light.”
(article continues below)
When Bob tries to push, like saying, “Oh, so you’re dodging the issue because you know I’m right,” resist the bait. Instead, redirect the conversation: “Hey, Bob, I heard your daughter’s been doing great in basketball. How’s she liking the season?”
If Bob keeps pushing, his wife might elbow him, and the rest of the table will catch on to how ridiculous he looks trying to argue with someone who’s clearly not playing along. Meanwhile, you stay grounded, sipping your cider and enjoying the show.
Learn What Bob’s Behavior Tells You About Your Values
Jerks like Bob often highlight what matters most to you. Instead of just being annoyed, get curious.
What value is Bob stepping on? Respect? Harmony? Kindness?
How does that value serve you?
For example, if Bob’s rudeness irritates you, it might reflect your deep value for kindness. Take pride in embodying that value yourself.
If Bob is now two glasses of wine in and ranting about how no one appreciates his political genius, let it remind you of your value for harmony. Use it as an opportunity to spread more of that value: Compliment a relative, thank someone for their cooking, or start a conversation about a positive memory.
Explore Your Shadow: What Are You Avoiding in Yourself?
Sometimes, the traits we despise in others are reflections of what we’re avoiding in ourselves.
When Bob’s arrogance makes you want to roll your eyes, pause and ask yourself:
“What about this bothers me so much?” or:
“Could I be avoiding something similar in myself?”
For instance, maybe Bob’s bragging about his big promotion triggers discomfort because you’ve been holding back from celebrating your own successes. This isn’t about blaming yourself; it’s about growth. By exploring your shadow, you can respond with wisdom instead of reactivity.
See the Bigger Picture: Rewrite the Story
When Cousin Bob’s antics escalate to full-on spectacle—he’s now loudly proclaiming his superior parenting skills and taking credit for every good decision his kids have ever made—zoom out and reframe the story.
Imagine yourself as the narrator:
“One holiday, Cousin Bob got carried away, and I let him ruin my evening.”
Do you like that story? What if it went differently?
“One holiday, Cousin Bob got carried away. I smiled and said, ‘Wow, Bob, you really do like to take credit for everything!’ Then I turned to my aunt and asked about her holiday plans.”
Or maybe:
“One holiday, Cousin Bob was being his usual self, but I decided to stay focused on the people who bring me joy. I spent most of the evening laughing with my cousins, and it ended up being one of the best gatherings yet.”
When you look at it from this perspective, it’s easier to let go of attachments and act according to your values. You get to rewrite the ending.
Enjoy the Gathering—On Your Terms
You can’t control Bob, but you can control how you show up. Accept your feelings, set boundaries, reflect on your values, and zoom out when you need to. Instead of letting Cousin Bob steal your peace, you’ll find a way to enjoy the moment—and maybe even surprise yourself with how well you handle it.
Now go grab a plate, enjoy the pie, and let Bob’s antics roll off your back.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
