Why you’re needy, and what to do about it
There are two kinds of people on this earth. People who take responsibility for their unmet needs, and people who can take more responsibility for their unmet needs. That accounts for all of humanity.
No one is without needs, and few can say that all their emotional and spiritual needs are met. Life isn't really about being satisfied for any significant length of time. Our needs for love and attention keep us interacting. Our need for meaning keeps us creating and helping.
We all have unmet needs, and that won't change.
Living without unmet needs isn't a reasonable goal, but taking responsibility for our needs is a fantastic and realistic goal. The alternative to taking responsibility for our needs results in a state we call "neediness."
Babies and most young children are appropriately needy. If it’s not a diaper that needs changing or a mouth that needs boob or snack, their young intellects need stimulation and their emotional beings need affirmation that they are safe, loved and special.
But we're not talking about babies
But people are far less sympathetic to needy adults, who are always reminding us about their need to feel important, valid or admired. Employees who need constant reassurance that they are on their bosses’ good list. Relationship partners who constantly need verbal or physical affection or intimacy or else they fear they are unloved or about to be dumped.
This kind of neediness fails to serve its purpose because it annoys the people who otherwise would be interested in helping to meet their needs.
The solution to neediness is interesting and ironic. What makes someone appear needy is not that they have needs or that they communicate their needs, but HOW they communicate their needs. And this stems from how they feel about their needs and how they feel about themselves.
Inner workings of neediness
Needy people are ashamed of their needs and don’t believe they deserve to have their needs met. This is why they express their needs so insecurely, and often indirectly. Like an elderly hospice client I once had, who at the end of every visit, told me:
“You always leave because you don’t like me. Nobody likes me. I guess I'm not worth the time.”
Yuck!
Of course, that kind of talk gives a therapist and client plenty to work with in our mission towards her improved happiness. And there's no real shame in communicating in insecure ways. On the other hand, I didn't enjoy being accused of not valuing a client I had seen for a while. How much more I would enjoy it if looked me in the eye and said:
“I enjoy your visits. It would make me feel good to know you enjoy them, too.”
But of course, communicating needs directly is risky. Someone can always respond to such a brave request in an invalidating way. And that’s one reason why people who don’t see themselves as likable might prefer to drop hints.
What to do about your neediness: Take responsibility for it.
As a therapist, I usually provide validation when it’s requested, even in these indirect manners. But then my goal is to encourage clients to request more directly. And to learn to acknowledge their likeability and worth. And understand the reasons they might struggle with feeling so worthy. And to process those reasons and free themselves of the shame. And to own the feeling that the need prompts.
As an individual with needs, it’s good to work on noticing how they feel. Are you ashamed of them? Are you afraid that having, or expressing, the need might result in something bad happening?
Walk the steps out of "neediness"
Take responsibility for your needs first by getting to know them. Sit with how it feels to have that unmet need. Is there sadness? Fear? Anger? Refrain from judging these feelings. Just acknowledge them. Being conscious of how your unmet needs make you feel will allow you to mindfully endeavor to get your needs met.
Next, take actions that will help you meet your needs independently. You know how some people think they're hungry but really just need another glass of water? Or to let their food settle? Sometimes people think they need attention or affirmation from another, but you can meet this need by caring for yourself. Maybe you think you need a date, but really need a date with yourself. Maybe you think you need sex, but really need to lift some weights or do some yoga. Maybe you think you need your boss' praise, but really need to check in with yourself about how meaningful you believe your job is.
A third step can be to share your needs from a place of independence. As you engage in the above two ideas, sitting with your feelings, and taking actions on your own to meet your needs, you become more independent. And now expressing your needs can come across more as a collaborative invitation than a needy plea. You can accept that your invitation might be denied, and that will make it more attractive.
When invitations are declined--and they sometimes will be--be ok with that. Sit with that feeling. Allow it. Because the alternatives include acting them out, so you come across as needy now, or repressing them, which will make it likely you'll surprise yourself with neediness at a later time. And rejoice! Because regardless of how your direct requests are received, you did well by requesting your needs directly.
Behave as if your needs are valid
Behaving as if your needs are valid reflects a belief that YOU are valid. Behaving as if you are valid and worthy of self-respect will organically increase your self-esteem.
Your self-esteem affects how you interact with the world.
It doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s not easy. Actively embracing the belief that you are worthy is a challenge while you’re carrying around deep-seated beliefs that you are not. But the positive beliefs will be encouraged by the positive changes they invite into your interactions.
Therapy helps
A good psychotherapist can support you in resolving the inner demons that produce neediness. Call 737-241-8135 for a free phone consultation. If you and I feel like we're a good fit, we can set up an appointment. If not, I can help you find another good therapist.
About the author
Michael Giles MSW, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist who helps people work through grief, depression, trauma and troubled relationships, to achieve emotional well-being. Click here for more information.
