An apology to men, on behalf of therapists
Men who seek mental health support deserve therapists who can empathize with them, and understand their needs. Unfortunately, that's not always what they get.
Men often find themselves with therapists who aren't aware of their own anti-male biases, who think it's cool to denigrate men for how they deal with their emotions, or who don't know that men often need an approach that's different from the approach that women need.
A recent post in a therapists' group illustrates the attitude many therapists have about men. A male therapist posted that he likes to apologize to female clients on behalf of men. Here's an excerpt of his post:
Is it wrong for me to apologize for my gender working with female clients having relationship problems? When women tell me about their relationship issues, communication problems with men, I have frequently said, you have to understand something about us men, then lean forward with a hushed tone say, "We're dumb. We don't communicate well. We know how to do things but not talk about feelings.”
My response was that yes, it's wrong, and I included the following reasons:
Both men and women often fail to communicate well in relationships, and with every client, therapists only hear half the story.
Negative generalizations about men aren't helpful, and they are especially unhelpful from therapists, who in general, struggle to empathize with men. A lot of men struggle to trust therapists, for good reason.
I get it. This author of the post wants to empathize with his female clients. But he highlights an important issue: Men face an uphill battle when it comes to finding therapists who are well suited for working with them.
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Therapists have a responsibility to provide qualified and non-judgmental service to clients of any group. It's in our codes of ethics. But when it comes to men, many therapists fall short.
There are two main reasons for this:
An anti-male bias among therapists
A lack of insight among therapists about how the therapeutic needs of men and women may differ
(related article: Overcoming fear of women’s emotions)
Anti-male bias among therapists
The public has become more enthusiastic about therapy over the last few years. This is a good thing. But that enthusiasm would wane if the public saw how therapists treat each other on social media. Many therapists are kind and professional with their clients, but unprofessional and uncaring when talking to other therapists online.
This is particularly true about their brazen contempt for men's psychological needs. In 2021, I saw a thread where in a group of clinicians were asked what they think when they see the words "men's issues" on a therapist's business card. Several clinicians simply responded "erectile dysfunction."
One wrote:
ED, failure to aim or put the seat in the "correct" position, emotionally unconnected, poor grooming, neckbeards, mismatched fashion choices, grey back syndrome, inability to hit the g spot or not caring about her pleasure. Failure to launch…
I was astounded when I read this. A professional, with a master's degree and a license, thought it appropriate to dismiss men's mental health issues in this way. Never mind the fact that almost 80% of the suicides in 2021 were carried out by men (Center for Disease Control, 2023). In the mind of that commenting therapist, the big issues for men were neckbeards and pleasing women in bed.
To our credit, not all therapists think this way. The recent post, the one stating that men are dumb, didn't get many likes (only about 20). But a handful of therapists responded with a lot of appreciation. One actually said she didn't understand why other commenters thought the post was invalidating.
A larger bias
Therapists are human beings. We are imperfect, and we all have biases. But most therapists will agree that we’re responsible to be conscious of our biases and to keep them in check. Well, human beings overall have a certain bias about men:
Most men and women feel less empathy for men than they do for women. (Rudman & Goodwin, 2004)
This means that therapists feel less empathy for men than they do for women, unless they've worked to overcome this bias. Thus in psychotherapy, where empathy is a crucial component, men are unlikely to receive an equal level of care.
The solution to this:
Therapists need to become aware of this bias. They need to own it, reflect on it, and sort it out somehow, so that they can keep the bias in check.
There are some therapists who do this, but I don't believe it's a majority. When I was in grad school, the emphasis on awareness of one's biases did not extend to bias about men.
Obviously, when therapists mock the mental health needs of men, they are not keeping their biases in check. Instead, they are acting on them, glorifying them, and trying to reinforce them for others.
Men’s specific needs in therapy
There are traits that all humans share, and traits that tend to differ among men and women. Both men and women experience trauma, repress emotions, and form limiting beliefs about themselves. But they experience life differently due to several factors, including sex hormones, roles in reproduction, and societal expectations, attitudes, and norms. Someone born with male anatomy and hormones, and raised as a boy and socialized as a man, will tend to develop certain psychological traits. Some of these traits will tend to differ in someone born with a female anatomy and hormones, raised as a girl, and socialized as a woman.
One such distinction is crucial to understanding how the genders need different approaches in therapy:
Men and women often experience relationships differently.
The therapeutic relationship might be the most important factor when it comes to the effectiveness of therapy. And men and women do relationships differently.
Men tend not to bond through talking or nurturing behaviors easily as women do. Men are more likely to bond through shared action and achievement. Therapists won't form equally strong relationships with male and female clients if they don't vary their approach. And the therapy won't be equally effective.
Men also deal with shame differently. They derive their senses of self-worth differently than women do. They are satisfied by different kinds of measurement for success.
Men are great at therapy!
The good news is that men have lots of strengths that make them great at therapy, such as:
The ability to self-analyze
The drive to take action
The willingness to take healthy risks, or try new strategies when valid reasons are presented
Men are smart (relax, I’m not saying women aren’t).
And men are actually great communicators. Those who think otherwise are not taking into account that a man’s directness can be pretty helpful. Men can communicate pretty openly and directly with therapists, when therapists “meet them where they’re at.”
But not all therapists know this. Some prefer to stereotype. Some prefer to promote themselves as feminists by degrading men. This is counterproductive. Promoting equality for women does not require that one demean men.
Many therapists, like many humans, believe that men are less deserving of empathy than women are, and they aren’t even conscious of it.
So here's my response to the gentleman therapist who entertains himself by apologizing to female clients on behalf of his gender:
It’s not necessary.
But I think it is appropriate for me to apologize to men, on behalf of my fellow therapists.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist specializing in men’s needs, trauma and relationships, in Cedar Park, TX, and the author of Relationship Repair for Men.
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References:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023, August 10). Suicide data and statistics. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/suicide-data-statistics.html
Rudman, L. A., & Goodwin, S. A. (2004). Gender Differences in Automatic In-Group Bias: Why Do Women Like Women More Than Men Like Men? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(4), 494–509.
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