Be a sensitive man (but not a “wuss”)
The idea of male sensitivity gets more admiration than sensitive men often receive.
“Bedazzled” is a silly comedy with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley that illustrates the mixed messages men get about vulnerability:
“Show us your sweet, vulnerable, sensitive true self, and hang tight while you judge you and reject you for it.”
In the film, the Brendan Fraser character makes a deal with the devil to win the affection of a woman he is obsessed with named Alison. The devil lets him read Alison’s diary, and learns of her yearning for a sensitive man. Taking these words at face value, he has the devil transform him into a cartoonish caricature of vulnerability.
At first, Alison responds with patient—although may patronizing—affection to his ridiculous displays of vulnerability, such as crying when he looks at the sunset or thinks about dolphins. But before long, she gets tired of his weakness. He winces when a couple dogs approach, and then won’t stand up to a pair of football playing guys who kick sand in his face. She leaves with the guys.
Dr. Brené Brown kinda agrees
The movie is quite lowbrow, intended purely for mindless entertainment. But interestingly, but the idea portrayed in that scene is supported by a perspective researcher and social worker Brené Brown developed through her work. A 2013 Atlantic article by Andy Hinds summarizes the perspective well:
"Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart—and it's healthy," Brown said. "But guys are not allowed to fall apart." Ironically, she explained, men are often pressured to open up and talk about their feelings, and they are criticized for being emotionally walled-off; but if they get too real, they are met with revulsion. She recalled the first time she realized that she had been complicit in the shaming: "Holy Shit!" she said. "I am the patriarchy!"
These mixed messages can be difficult for men to navigate. The phrase “double bind” describes this type of “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” situation. If we refuse to show vulnerability, we’re failing to live up to what our partners may have asked of us, and perhaps something we’ve pledged to give. If we do show our vulnerability, there’s a good possibility that our partner’s instinctive need to see our strength will reject us.
So what do we do, when it seems as if there’s no right thing to do?
The false dichotomy of strength & vulnerability
Fortunately, the idea that strength and vulnerability are opposites or contradictory is not always true. There are ways to express both. Just a few examples:
*Showing confidence about our vulnerable feelings, and strong as we stand up for their validity.
*Being open and vulnerable about values that we feel strongly about.
*Openly expressing areas of hurt, and setting and enforcing strong boundaries that protect those areas.
Boundaries express vulnerability
Setting boundaries is a vulnerable act because it expresses something that’s important to you. If your partner is calling you names and you decide you won't engage with her when she does so, that boundary expresses how you are vulnerable to feeling hurt. And it expresses you value feeling somewhat safe. Or that it’s important to you to have a level of maturity in your relationship.
Also, boundary-setting is vulnerable because you are taking a risk. There’s no guarantee that the person you’re interacting with will respond respectfully to you setting a boundary. The initial response could be one of rejection or anger or an attempt to invalidate the boundary. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, especially if you are setting the boundary in order to change something in your relationship.
Boundaries express strength
When the rubber hits the road, boundaries often solve the double bind. A boundary provides both: it reflects your true self, but it’s a strong assertion on behalf of that truth.
A boundary proclaims that you are standing up for something important to you. It is a statement that even though your relationship is important, there’s something else that’s also important to you. Maybe even more important that your relationship.
Setting a boundary is a bold statement that you respect your own values, and that you’ll embrace your values even someone challenges them.
In a later article, I’ll share more about how to set boundaries, and the important next step. For now, a starting point is to contemplate what you want. If something is important to you, it deserves its among the other priorities of your life. (Click here to read about how to develop healthy boundaries.)
What are you willing to stand up for?
Referring to the example above, if the person you’re dating or in a relationship with treats you in a hurtful way, what value are they violating? Dignity? Harmony? Respect? Safety? If one of these things is important to you in a relationship, then stand up for it.
Often, the initial response to a new boundary is testing. The person might object strongly and emotionally, and not accommodate the request. This can lead you to believe that the boundary won't work. But there's a good chance they are testing whether or not you'll stand up for it. So don’t let resistance surprise you, and don't give up. Your boundaries will eventually work to empower you.
When our boundaries truly represent our values, standing by them brings out our best selves in relationships. Our relationships become more compatible with who you are, and you become more interesting to the person you’re in the relationship with.
