How men can overcome their fear of women’s emotions
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for article home page.
One of the biggest challenges men face in their relationships is when they are afraid of upsetting their significant others. This fear prevents them from expressing their own feelings, wants, and needs. It has them believing that their partner's unhappiness means the relationship is failing. Or that they've done something wrong. Many men take women’s emotions personally, see them as problems to solve, or interpret them as signs of their own inadequacy.
This isn't empathy. This isn’t feeling sorrow because someone you love is suffering. It's fear and guilt projected onto a woman's emotions, leading to:
Unhelpful arguments
Avoidance of important communication
People-pleasing and codependency
Difficulty embracing personal truths and one’s sense of self
Inability to set healthy boundaries
These issues show up in therapy sessions when men know they need to express themselves honestly, but fear their partner's response.
Or when clients are learning to use more effective communication patterns that work quite well, and they say, “I tried it and it didn’t work.”
Usually, “it didn’t work” means their significant other responded with anger or tears, or that they “got into an argument.”
You don’t “get into arguments”
Remember, we choose to enter arguments. We don’t get swept into them by someone else's emotions or provocations. While happiness is preferable, emotions are an inevitable part of relationships. It's okay not to love your partner's sadness or anger, but give yourself permission to maintain your own calm confidence when they express these feelings. Remain self-assured. Her emotions don’t mean that you failed or did something wrong, or that you’re a bad person.
Maintain your sense of being okay in the presence of her emotions, and you won’t find yourself trying fruitlessly to convince her not to be upset.
When we see women’s emotions as problems, we tend to respond in ways that damage relationships and prevent us from being true to ourselves. We might deny our own voice, needs, and boundaries, sacrificing our well-being in a misguided attempt to change or invalidate their emotions.
Why we react this way
There are healthy reasons for empathy – if we feel bad about someone else's unhappiness, we're motivated to care for them. However, the problem lies in the belief (held by many men and women) that a woman's unhappiness means they did something wrong or are under attack.
“Ooooh… you’re in trouble…!”
This belief likely stems from childhood experiences. Most children spend more of their formative years with mothers, who are often the primary caregivers. Fathers, on average, spend less time with children and take on less childcare responsibility. This extends to teachers as well, with the majority being female in elementary and middle school. For children, a caregiver's unhappiness is often the first sign of potential criticism or punishment. This translates into the belief that a woman's unhappiness reflects poorly on the man, even in adulthood.
As adults, these men might act like they're in trouble when their partner is upset. They might also believe their partner's unhappiness signifies their failure or the relationship's downfall. It's important to recognize these interpretations aren't necessary or helpful.
When my client tells me, “I finally told her how I felt, and it went horribly!” it’s because they believe that her emotions mean they did the wrong thing by communicating.
It’s important to communicate our feelings and desires to our significant others, even when they might have feelings about what we have to say. It’s important to empathize with her feelings, without believing that her feelings mean we failed in our communication or did something wrong.
Moving Forward
If this applies to you, I recommend a goal of learning to feel at peace with her feelings. Appreciate them. Her feelings are not good or bad. They just are.
Believe or not: Your relationship will be stronger when you can express your truths, and remain calm and confident, even when she responds emotionally.
Here are some helpful perspectives:
Let her process your message
If you tell her something real, honest, important, and/or vulnerable, and she gets really mad or sad, that’s the process she needs to go through to make sense of what you shared. Even if she says something invalidating, treat her response as if she’s processing. She’s dealing with what you told her as well as she can. Let her do so. If she yells at you, keep your calm wits about you. Deal with it well, either by letting it pass, or taking space, or telling her how you feel when she yells, and that you want her to speak with you differently (calmly, gently, etc.).
If she storms out of the room, let her do so, and focus on your own self. Work out. Play some music. Walk the dog. Whatever. Don’t get into an argument with her about her feelings or how she sees things.
If you can calmly accept her emotional response, and allow time for things to settle and sink in within her, your initial message will have more effect.
Don’t protect her from her feelings
Another perspective to consider: You don't need to protect your partner from their feelings by withholding your truth or avoiding boundaries. Their emotional reactions are likely rooted in pre-existing feelings you might have triggered. You didn’t cause her feelings. They have the right to feel and express their emotions in healthy ways, which can include avoidance, expression, or conscious processing.
Their feelings are theirs. You don't have to walk on eggshells, fearing you'll upset them by being yourself.
And your feelings are yours. The feelings you feel in response to her getting upset, you can learn to deal with them well, without disconnecting from them, or letting them dominate you. You can allow them, observe and study them. As you do so, you’ll learn to better accept the fact that she’s going to have feelings. You’ll become more present, you’ll communicate more openly, and you’ll be more willing to take healthy risks that will strengthen your relationship.
The “Therapy Trident”
One benefit of psychotherapy is when it helps individuals deal with their unhelpful responses to everyday situations, so they can stay present, at peace, function well and build strong lives. Examples include the war veteran who panics when a car backfires, the businessman who flies into a rage when things don’t go according to plan, and the husband who becomes defensive or despondent when his wife is upset.
My approach to helping clients overcome issues such as these involves three prongs, like Aquaman’s trident ;)
I help men learn how to deal when they feel some kind of unease (whether it’s anger, anxiety, fear, sadness, a lack of peace, or just “feeling some kind of way”). I teach concrete steps that involve your mind, and your body, and work even when you aren’t sure which feeling you’re feeling. Applying this to the topic of women’s emotions, you’ll learn what to do in real time with the strong feelings you feel in response to her feelings.
We work with the reasons for your reactions. We look at past experiences and deal with the limiting beliefs and unresolved emotions that are preventing you from living the life you want to be living. This will result in you naturally becoming less defensive, more at peace, more flexible and resourceful when she’s upset.
I teach methods of engaging with the world that promote your confidence and self-esteem. This can include communication patterns that ignite positive chain reactions in your relationship, along with boundaries, healthy risks and aligning your life to your values.
Recap
In summary, many men react to women’s emotions with insecurity thanks to having been raised to believe that a woman getting upset meant punishment was on its way. This prevents men from showing up authentically in their relationships and taking the healthy risks required to improve their relationships. The solution is for men to learn to tolerate their own emotions, make peace with their triggers, and therapy can help.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
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