A Healthy and Wise Response to Anti-male Attitudes
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for article home page.
In contemporary society, there are two significant issues regarding social attitudes toward men:
Negative Attitudes Towards Men
These include beliefs that there’s something inherently wrong with masculinity, that men are wrong for taking up space, or that men need to be passive to function in relationships.
Men's Reactions to These Attitudes
Often, men think that empowerment against these attitudes comes from resenting or objectifying women. If you look at men’s empowerment on social media, you see that a lot of it sadly relies on misogyny—as if revenge makes things just.
Understanding Women's Frustrations
It’s important to acknowledge that women's frustrations with men can stem from legitimate issues. Social gender inequalities are real—it wasn’t that long ago that women weren’t allowed to have their own credit cards without a man’s signature. And while men and women are both capable of toxic behavior, differences in size and strength alone give different meanings to the toxic behavior of men and women. Unfortunately, the movement toward equality has been accompanied by messages that men, themselves, are problematic.
Many men won’t respond well to the message that they are the problem just for being men. However, it's essential to understand that reactive misogyny is not the answer. Responding to misandry with misogyny only perpetuates cycles of hostility and division.
The Devouring Mother Archetype
A better way to respond to anti-male attitudes can be found in two myths that involve heroes who have to deal with overprotective mothers. While overprotectiveness is not necessarily equal to anti-male attitudes, there is certainly some overlap: Both involve a drive to control individuals rather than allowing them the freedom to strengthen themselves and learn through risks and exploration.
Negative attitudes toward men seem to coincide with other examples of how the devouring mother archetype is experienced in our society. This archetype, characterized by overprotectiveness and control, can stifle the growth of men and women while fostering dependency and resentment. It can also be experienced as overbearing social movements and the coddling that cultivates fragility and entitlement.
Mythological Insights
Mythology provides some very sensible answers to this kind of overprotective, controlling, and discouraging element. Consider the stories of Sir Percival, as interpreted by Robert Johnson in his book He, and Iron John, as told by Robert Bly.
The Story of Sir Percival
Sir Percival was on a quest to find the grail castle and heal the Fisher King’s wound. His mentor instructed him to heal the Fisher King by asking, “Whom does the grail serve?” However, his mother warned him not to ask questions.
He quickly found the castle, but he follows his mother’s advice, and choose not to ask. The castle disappears from him, and he spends his life searching for another opportunity to fulfill his purpose.
The Tale of Iron John
In the story of Iron John, a fairy tale related by Robert Bly, Iron John was the king’s prisoner. The prince got close to the cage, and Iron John promised to take the boy on adventures if he freed him. However, the key was under his mother’s pillow. The young prince could achieve his mission by defying his mother quietly and confidently, slipping into her room when she was not there.
The Power of Quiet Defiance
In both of these stories, the young men could achieve their missions in life by defying their mothers, but neither had to do it violently or loudly. Sir Percival was miles away from his mother when he had the chance to ask the question that could save the Fisher King—all he had to do was ask. The boy in Iron John could simply slip into his mother’s room when she wasn’t there. Neither had to kick, scream, or throw a temper tantrum. All they had to do was quietly and confidently perform one act of disloyalty to their mothers in favor of the lives they were meant to live.
In neither myth was it necessary for the boys to tell their mothers about the defiance. This is important because our human drive to tell others they were wrong has become exaggerated through the modern social media experience. Many believe that defiance must be a big show or a loud proclamation. But perhaps a more meaningful act of making your own decisions is to treat them as if they aren’t about our mothers. They’re about us and our own lives.
Modern Reactions and Their Pitfalls
The belief that defiance must be aggressive, loud, disrespectful, or misogynistic is a significant pitfall. Modern examples often involve kicking and screaming in response to overbearing feminine messages. Figures like Andrew Tate promote confrontational approaches, advocating for hostility and disdain towards perceived overbearing feminine influences. Such responses, while seemingly empowering, often perpetuate cycles of resentment and emotional conflict.
Gentle Assertion of Truths
A more effective and healthy response for men involves gently choosing their own truths even when a protective voice is telling them to keep it safe. This involves confident defiance—a composed and assured assertion of one’s identity and worth without hostility or aggression.
Challenges as Opportunities
The overbearing force of the devouring mother archetype, while stifling, presents an opportunity for men to strengthen themselves. We are more likely to differentiate from something we find difficult to tolerate. The challenges posed by this overprotective and controlling force push men to assert their autonomy and develop resilience. Instead of succumbing to dependency or reacting with resentment, men can use these challenges as catalysts for personal growth and self-discovery.
Practical Applications
1. Personal Growth
Men can focus on personal development and self-improvement without resorting to resentment or misogyny. Embracing hobbies, careers, and relationships that align with their true selves fosters genuine empowerment.
2. Constructive Dialogue
Engaging in open and respectful conversations about gender dynamics can help dismantle negative stereotypes and promote mutual understanding.
3. Support Networks
Building supportive communities where men can share experiences and strategies for dealing with societal pressures encourages healthy coping mechanisms and resilience.
Path to Empowerment
Navigating the devouring mother archetype requires a nuanced approach that acknowledges both its stifling influence and the opportunity it provides for differentiation and growth. By confidently asserting autonomy and selfhood, men can transcend resentment and hostility, paving the way for profound personal transformation and empowerment.
The answer to misogyny was never misandry. And the solution to modern misandry is no misogyny—it’s the confident embracing of one’s own truths. Embracing confident defiance enables men to honor their journey towards individuation while maintaining respect for the nurturing influences that shaped their development. This journey is not merely a rebellion but a profound assertion of identity and purpose in a world where self-discovery is paramount…
…even if it’s not always encouraged.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
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