Stop arguing—communicate effectively in your relationship
I remember when I was 25 years old, venting my frustrations about my then-wife's behavior to my martial arts teacher. His response was "Don't fight with your old lady."
This felt dismissive. I took it to mean that voicing my concerns wasn’t necessary, and that I should instead sweep issues under the rug. But after a couple decades of marriage, I see a different perspective.
His advice didn’t mean refraining from communicating or avoiding conflict. It meant not getting sucked into arguments driven by the need to prove to the other that we're right. The truth is, we can navigate disagreements constructively, fostering a stronger connection in the process.
A Common Belief about Conflict
As a psychotherapist who specializes in working with men, I often come across new clients who deal with conflict in one of two ways. They either avoid it out of fear of getting into heated arguments, or they believe that bickering is necessary. These two extremes are united by the same belief: that conflict is inherently hostile and inflammatory.
They believe that because conflict is scary. They fear the explosive arguments, the slammed doors, the potential damage to the relationship. This fear often leads them to shy away from crucial conversations, and concerns about being mistreated or misalignment in the relationship go unaddressed.
But avoiding these important conversations is a recipe for an unsatisfying and resentful relationship. Unresolved issues fester, creating distance and a lack of intimacy. When we're unhappy about our treatment but avoid setting boundaries out of fear, the treatment we dislike can become habitual and worsen.
The key isn't to avoid challenging topics or get better at arguing. Instead, it's about learning to deal with difficult or potentially contentious topics without resorting to arguments.
You’re Never Forced to Argue
John Gottman's research on relationships highlights the dangers of defensiveness and contempt in arguments. These are the communication killers that leave us feeling unheard and unloved. However, it's important to understand that arguments themselves aren't inevitable. We often fall into the trap of believing our partner "forces" us into an argument, or that arguments "happen to us."
The truth is, arguments stem from our own defensiveness. When a topic triggers us, feelings of fear, anger, and hurt take hold. We believe the other person's thoughts are a threat, and we desperately try to prove ourselves right. This desperate need to win creates a toxic dynamic.
Break Free from the Cycle
So, how do we break free from this cycle? Here are some key strategies:
Manage Your Defensiveness. When triggered, pause and acknowledge your feelings. Welcome them, breathe, and remind yourself of what matters most in your relationship. Focus on making peace with your emotions instead of forcing agreement. Remember, giving your power away by reacting defensively only intensifies the situation.
Heal Your Triggers. Consider therapy to address deeper unresolved issues and limiting beliefs that make you more prone to defensiveness. Techniques like EMDR can help heal these emotional wounds.
Ditch the Criticism. Criticism fuels defensiveness. Instead, speak your truth simply: "I feel this way when you do this. I would appreciate it if you did this instead." By focusing on your feelings and desires, you can address your concerns without blame.
Practice Reflective Listening. This element of Motivational Interviewing involves rephrasing what your partner says to show understanding. It fosters connection and encourages them to open up further, reducing their need to be defensive. (Remember, this works best when you've already addressed your own defensiveness. There are some good instructions on how to do this on Youtube.)
Another way to look at this: Arguments only happen when there are at least two defensive individuals who are unable to tolerate their feelings about disagreement.
The Strength of Pausing (the Weakness in Fixating)
A common belief is that it's weak to let things be when someone says something upsetting, and that to be strong, we need to keep fighting for what we think is right.
Absolutely, we need to state our positions. It's strong and healthy to give voice to our feelings and wants. But it's also strong to allow ourselves to pause once we've done so, even when we don't get the immediate response we desire.
A Scenario: Jiu Jitsu and Laundry
Consider this scenario: You and your wife have friends over for dinner. One of them asks how your family is adapting to your newfound hobby of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Your wife rolls her eyes and says sarcastically, "It's freaking great. He's either never here, or he's stinking up the house with his sweaty uniform he leaves lying around."
You take offense and feel angry. You believe she misrepresented you. Jiu Jitsu has been good for you. You've still been consistently present with your family, you've been in a better mood, and on all but one occasion, you've washed your uniform as soon as you've gotten home from training.
So after your friends have left, you address it with her. You tell her how you feel and what you want.
"Honey, I feel angry when you tell me I'm never here and that I stink up the house. I want you to recognize that I'm as actively engaged as I've ever been, and I almost always do my laundry as soon as I'm back."
Now imagine her response is passionate and defensive:
"Yeah? And what's all that laundry going to do to our electric bill?! And while you're spending hours rolling around in the gym, I'm stuck doing everything to take care of the house and the children and the dog!"
Choose Your Response
Will it strengthen your position if you get more intense and explain to her the ways in which she's wrong? That you're still doing your share of chores and childcare? That it's been months since she took the dog on a walk? That no matter how much laundry you do, the electric bill will still pale in comparison to how much she spends on trips to the spa?
Or is it stronger to pause, breathe and notice your own feelings and impulses... to recognize that you've expressed your position and arguing further right now won't get you on the same page... to allow her to have her feelings...
You don't have to say anything. You can return your attention to your own task. Or tell her you're going to take a walk around the block and see her in a little while. Focus on making peace with your feelings of the moment.
But if you want to say something, and feelings of defensiveness aren't in control of you, you can offer her a reflection, showing her that you've heard her. You can say something like:
"You're concerned about the cost of all the laundry I'm doing. It does seem as if this hobby requires a lot of laundry. And you're worried that my doing Jiu Jitsu will mean you get less time to do what you want."
A response like this will bring many benefits. It'll show her that you understand her, or that you want to understand her. It'll shift the goal of the conversation away from winning toward understanding. Your reflection is very likely to get her to tell you more, and it'll feel more as if she's trying to help you understand how she feels.
And you doing your best to show her you understand what she means will help you shift away from your own defensiveness.
Defensiveness and Insecurity
If you act out your defensiveness in these situations, it'll come across as insecurity. You’ll appear as if you don't feel good about having expressed yourself. I recommend assuring yourself that it's a good thing to express your honest feelings and wants, even when she doesn't respond well to them.
There's a decent possibility that because you addressed the situation well, she'll take it to heart, even if she seems as if she's refusing to do so. Instead of judging the effectiveness of your communication according to her initial response, see if it affects how she acts the next time she's in a similar situation. In the scenario mentioned above, you can measure how well she took your communication to heart by observing if she behaves differently the next time you're with friends and the topic of Jiu Jitsu comes up.
Your communication is more likely to yield the effect you want if you can learn this approach:
State your feelings and your wants.
Hear her response and deal with your own feelings about how she responds. If you feel defensive, then do your own work to find peace of mind.
And if you're conscious that her reaction is not a threat to you, then engage with reflective listening, to encourage some feelings of understanding.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
