How to respond to “weaponized incompetence”
Imagine you're Jordan, staring across the breakfast table at your wife, Avery. Two little girls, ages 2 and 3, giggle between them, oblivious to the tense silence. Since their arrival, the division of labor has settled into a familiar pattern: you bring home the bacon, while Avery shoulders the brunt of childcare. Lately, though, a gnawing resentment has taken root in Avery's heart. "I never get time to myself," she sighs, pushing away her lukewarm coffee. "I just need a few hours to recharge."
You want to help. "How about I take the girls on Saturday?" you offer, picturing a morning of waffles and trip to the park and the bookstore, leaving Avery to sleep in and reclaim her sanity. But your suggestion is met with skepticism. "No," she says, her voice tight. "You wouldn't cope. Last time, they came back dirty, wearing mismatched clothes, and barely nibbled on their lunch."
Frustration bubbles up inside you. "Don't you think I'm capable of taking care of my own daughters?" you ask, stung by her doubt. This, Avery throws back, is precisely the problem. "If you really wanted me to relax, you'd take better care of them," she accuses. "You'd learn which underwear fits who, what they actually like to eat, how to keep them clean. This," she declares, her voice trembling, "is weaponized incompetence!
The term hangs heavy in the air, unfamiliar and loaded. You've heard it tossed around online, but what does it even mean? Is this what's happening here?
Why the phrase weaponized incompetence is unhelpful
While the label "weaponized incompetence" might resonate with the frustration of many, as a therapist who helps men repair relationships, I can tell you it’s an unhelpful phrase. It casts blame, assumes malicious intent, and shuts down constructive conversation. Instead of launching into a war of words, consider this: relationships thrive not on the absence of conflict, but on how we handle it.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, identified the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling – as relationship killers. Guess what sits at the heart of both criticism and contempt? Accusations like "weaponized incompetence." When we label someone's behavior with such negativity, we dismiss their perspective and push them further away.
What to say instead
So, what can you do instead? Focus on how their behavior makes you feel, not their supposed motives. Express your needs clearly, rather than assuming they understand them already. Instead of saying, "You're doing this on purpose to avoid responsibility," try, "I feel frustrated when the girls come back in mismatched clothes. I'd really appreciate it if you could help me learn which underwear fits who, to make mornings smoother for everyone."
This shift in communication might feel unfamiliar, but it has the power to transform your relationship. By replacing blame with empathy and clear requests, you open the door to understanding and cooperation. Instead of battling over labels like "weaponized incompetence," you can work together to find solutions that meet everyone's needs.
The road to a happier, healthier relationship isn't paved with accusations. It's built on open communication, shared responsibility, and a willingness to learn and grow together. Remember, it's not about proving who's more competent or who's to blame. It's about building a partnership where both of you feel supported, appreciated, and understood.
You can have a happier relationship
To learn more about how to navigate these kinds of power struggles and build a happier and more loving relationship, check out my book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships, or reach out to schedule a consultation.
