Stop "Paying” her to Mistreat You
A MENtal Strength series article—click here for the articles home page.
When your wife or girlfriend mistreats you, it can leave you feeling powerless and unsure of what to do. We know we can’t change other people, and we might not think the mistreatment is a valid reason to end the relationship. We might believe our only choices are to tolerate it or leave, and neither of these feels good.
Fortunately, there are other options. One is to consider the possibility that changing how we respond to the mistreatment can trigger a change in how we’re treated.
This doesn’t apply to abusive situations. If there’s abuse, you need to prioritize your safety and healing.
But if mistreatment doesn’t reach the level of abuse and instead involves behaviors like disrespect, contempt, avoidance, or other treatment that violates your values, there is a possibility that your reactions to these behaviors have been providing some kind of payoff that motivates your partner to keep doing it. It’s like handing out frequent flyer miles for disrespect—not a rewards program you want to keep running.
Common Rewards for Mistreatment
People often respond to mistreatment in ways that reward their partners with feelings of power or control. Most people are aware that children’s misbehavior can be reinforced by even negative attention. This is true for many adults as well. If someone can trigger another person’s anger, they can feel as if they have power over them.
If your emotions are triggered by someone else’s behavior and you don’t manage them well, then you are essentially giving your power over to the other person.
For example, if your partner speaks to you harshly and you get offended, she might feel validated. Perhaps she achieved her goal of provoking a reaction or deflecting attention away from her own issues. Over time, this creates a cycle where mistreatment is continually reinforced and repeated. It's like she’s running a side hustle off your emotional outbursts.
Or if she tells you something hurtful and you feel you need her to take it back, as long as that need stops you from doing what you want to be doing, it’ll be as if she has control over you. She won’t feel motivated to take it back—that would be giving up the power she now has.
To break this cycle, it's essential to change your response. Here are some steps you can take:
Manage Your Emotions
Control your emotional reaction. While we can't control our feelings, we can control how we express them. We can control our words and actions. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, but give some thought to what you really want to say and do.
When you’re feeling calm, collected, and flexible enough to respond well to your significant other, do so on behalf of what you really want, not only based on your emotions.
Set Clear Boundaries
Clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and the consequences if she continues. Boundaries help establish mutual respect and ensure that both partners understand the limits of acceptable behavior. Consider it your “no-fly” list for mistreatment.
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Address the Behavior, Not the Person
Focus on the specific behavior that is problematic rather than attacking your partner’s character. Use “I” statements to express how her actions affect you. For instance, say, “I feel hurt when you raise your voice at me,” instead of, “You’re always so mean.”
Reinforce Positive Behaviors
Pay attention to and reinforce positive behaviors. When your partner treats you with respect and kindness, acknowledge and appreciate it. Positive reinforcement can encourage more of the behavior you want to see in your relationship.
Seek Support
If the mistreatment persists despite your efforts, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. Professional guidance can provide strategies tailored to your specific situation, but more importantly help you resolve any underlying issues that are prompting you to react as you do.
By altering your responses to mistreatment, you can disrupt the negative cycle and create a healthier dynamic. It’s important to remember that change takes time and consistency. Your goal is to create an environment where respectful and loving behaviors are the norm, and mistreatment is neither tolerated nor rewarded.
Ultimately, by not “paying” your partner to mistreat you with your emotional responses, you invite her to change her behavior. It's good to remember that we can't change other people, and we can't control her actions. But we can take responsibility for our responses to her actions. As our responses change, her behaviors are likely to change as well.
The key is what you take ownership of. Don't do this to try to manage her. Instead, manage yourself. The better you manage yourself, the better your experience in your relationship will be. The more resourceful and creative you’ll be. The more options you’ll find.
This reality is summed up in one of my favorite axioms I share with clients:
The more you let go of a need for control, the more power you have to influence.
Michael Giles LCSW is a psychotherapist who specializes in helping men overcoming anxiety, heal from trauma, and repair their relationships.
Click here to schedule a consultation.
Click here to read about his book, Relationship Repair for Men: Counterintuitive behaviors that restore love to struggling relationships.
