The secret to effective boundaries

There’s a circular relationship between health and many indicators of health. Sleeping well can be a sign of good health, and it's also something that many people can do to become healthier.

This circular relationship applies also to eating mindfully, taking healthy risks in social settings and communicating authentically with your significant other. How easily you do these things can inform an assessment of your well-being. And purposefully doing these things can contribute to your well-being.

Emotional well-being leads to Boundaries lead to Emotional well-being leads to...

Developing healthy boundaries benefits your self-esteem, peace of mind and feelings of efficacy. And having boundaries is also a result of those positive inner states. Alternatively, if our boundaries have been lacking or weak, that can mean there's some struggle with feelings of self-worth or other unresolved emotional challenges.

Understanding this circular relationship helps us understand what we can do to establish boundaries that align with our values and maintain them when they're tested.

There are two large reasons that establishing boundaries can be challenging. One is how the people we're setting boundaries with may resist.

The other is our own internal resistance.

Other people's resistance to our boundaries

We sometimes discover we need better boundaries because we object to how someone treats us or what they expect from us.

Maybe a boss expects us to respond to work emails even when we’re off the clock. Or a significant other expects us to tolerate harsh treatment.

Whatever it is they're doing, they're doing if for a reason. Whether it's just a habit, or an attempt to meet a deep-seated need, their behaviors are driven by forces within them, and those forces will likely resist the boundary we want to set. They might respond by invalidating or testing the boundary.

We overcome their resistance by consistently standing up for the boundary. This is your life. You have a right to boundaries.

If people test them, pass the test by remaining consistent. Restate the boundary if you have to.

“I love you. AND… this is important to me. I don't want to be treated harshly."

"I love my job and I care about our clients. AND... I need to rest after work and that means leaving work emails until I'm on the clock the next morning.

You are responsible for your boundary. You don't have control over their response to it, though there's one very important caveat which can empower us to reduce the resistance we receive from other people.

Your own resistance to your boundaries

Any discomfort you feel about your boundary can encourage resistance from other people. Any doubt you feel about your right to assert yourself will be evident in your communication. If you're not sure you believe in your boundary, they'll probably know. A need for approval prevents you from being confident about asserting yourself will be difficult to hide. If you doubt yourself, you'll be taken less seriously.

Your boundaries will be taken more seriously when you act like you believe in them. Your voice, wording and body language will show that you're not playing, and that you approve of yourself enough to risk losing the approval of someone else. They will be more likely to trust that your boundary is a good thing and that it's non-negotiable criterion for a relationship with you.

They may still test it, but you’ll be more ready to respond by standing up for what you believe in.

Healing leads to better boundaries

Your doubt about your own boundaries is an opportunity to heal. Whether it's low self esteem, codependency, or a need for the approval of others, the answer is deep therapeutic work. No amount of conscious decision making or positive thinking can overcome the effects that unresolved emotions or limiting beliefs have on your relationships.

Boundaries are so dependent on our internal emotional well-being that they often emerge naturally as we heal. When a new client comes to me with a history of trauma and worries about a relationship, I’m fairly confident that therapeutic progress with the trauma will lead to the client initiating better boundaries in the relationship.

Two avenues of approach

Since boundaries and self-worth interact in a circle, you can start with either. Either will lead to the other.

I usually prefer to start with the underlying emotional issues, as described in the previous section, over coaching a client with setting boundaries, mostly because I prefer to help people heal over telling them how to live their lives. As you heal, you'll gain clarity and trust in your own ability to make good decisions for yourself.

But if you prefer to start with action in the external world, do it. You know what's important to you. Express it.

But do it gently. Rehearse it first in privacy and notice how it feels. It's probably a good idea to make peace with any negative feelings you associate with your boundary or the problem you're hoping your boundary will solve before you set any new ground rules with anyone. Take your feelings on a walk. Journal about them.

Even if you're legitimately angry, you may not want to lead with anger as you set boundaries.

“I will no longer tolerate your shit,” may be the heart of your message, but the way you express it might slam shut some doors on relationships that still have a chance.

See how the message evolves after you take your anger on a walk. “It’s important to me that you stop behaving in demeaning ways toward me, and I’m going to temporarily take my own space if you do,” might more precisely represent what you want.

Whatever feelings emerge as you begin to formulate a boundary on your own are opportunities for healing.

Boundaries lead to opportunities to heal

As we process our feelings, we become more confident in our boundary and in how we want to express it. Once we state the boundary, someone may express resistance, and as we struggle to stand up for ourselves, we can continue to experience challenging emotions. These emotions were already within us, unresolved, but the boundaries work helps us gain awareness of them. As we process these feelings, we heal. As we heal, our confidence grows and our sense of self worth improves. Our stronger sense of self makes us more comfortable and congruent as we express and enforce our boundaries. And people take us more seriously.